Dear Female Friends Who Are Kicking Yourselves For Not Finding the Right Guy and/or Who Keep Trading in Morons for Morons:

 

Quote-TFiOS-letter

white-rectangle-large

index

(I’m on a cross country flight watching “How To Be Single” while thinking about a conversation today with a female friend about a d-bag she just dumped.   Which was similar to convos I have had with plenty of female friends through the years. I grew up with three sisters and keep a 50/50 ratio of “ride or die” friends…female to male.   I’ve never tried to make out with a female friend because I would also not try to make out with a man friend.     Friends are friends.   No one should try to have sex with their friends.   This is an open letter to all my single female friends.   Print it out and put it on your fridge.)

 

 

Dear Female Friends Who Are Kicking Yourselves For Not Finding the Right Guy and/or Who Keep Trading in Morons for Morons:

 

 

Hey!   How are things?   How about them Browns?   Can you believe all the horse crap with Johnny Manzeil?   What a moron.   Speaking of morons, I need you to raise the bar on the guys you have been dating.   You are better than that.   You deserve better than what Tinder is handing you through its algorithms.

 

And here’s the gig.   If I thought you were an idiot, or a poor dating partner, I would by no means tell you otherwise.   You know me.   I am as subtle as a chopping block.   If you utterly sucked as a dating or lifetime partner, I’d encourage you to take what you can get and take it as fast as humanly possible.     I have done that.

 

You are smart.   You are very witty and amusing.   You’re an excellent person to bounce random things off of, like “should I buy a hot air balloon or simply rent one for a month” and “can I eat this (insert name of food stuff) if it looks like this?”   You are beautiful.   You are going to be a superb wife and an amazing mother.   You don’t need me to tell you that….you know that.   You most certainly don’t need the dude in the V-neck sweater with the new beard to tell you that. His opinion does not count.

 

I want to wake up many mornings throughout your next relationship and get a text from you that reads “(insert dude’s name here) left me a half gallon of milk in a cooler outside my door with a cute card and seven huge chocolate chip cookies so that I’d come home from work to that last night.”     I want THAT dude to be your boyfriend.   I want to read those texts and I want you to pay attention to the list below. I want your next boyfriend to go 9 for 9 on the list below.   Print this list and put it somewhere safe in your house.   Not on the fridge.   If you put it on the fridge, some dude will see it, take a photo of it and just do this crap.   You want someone to do this crap because they always do this crap.   It’s Zen to them.   This stuff.

 

  1. He opens the doors.   All the doors.   All the time.
  2. He acts mostly the same in months 7, 11,13, 27, and 39 as he did in months 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.   Anyone can be shiny for 180 days.   True character reveals itself in long lasting behaviors.
  3. He brings you some damn flowers.   Randomly and consistently
  4. Same with greeting cards.   Especially in months 7, 11,13, 27, and 39.   And month 127.
  5. He sings to you with vigor, regardless of his singing ability.
  6. He brings cash with him.   Everywhere.   Men should carry cash at all times.     Everywhere.     Seriously.
  7. He respects women.   All women.   All the time.   In word and deed.
  8. Those texts that you received each morning in the first 79 days are the same type of texts you receive each and every morning from day 81 to 623.
  9. He understands that love is not an emotion…it is a decision you make each and every day when you wake up.   He wakes up, looks at you, smiles and decides to be in love with you that day…more than the day before.
  10. He’s A-OK with you being more smart, funny, or successful than him.   This sort of goes with G; however, it can also be a stand-alone.
  11. He is kind.   Always.   To everyone and everything.

 

That was a list of 11.   Not 9.   I wanted to see if you were paying attention.   11 is one louder.   Always has been.   Always will be.

 

I also want you to be with a man who surprises you on December 19 with a trip to New York City.   I want him to throw you both on a plane, get a car service from JFK (La Guardia is just nasty…..and he should know that) and you go to a hotel where you will walk into the room and there will be a cheese plate set up and wine in decanters…breathing.   Then, he will blindfold you in a limo and you’ll end up somewhere and he’ll walk you out of the limo and when he takes off the blindfold you will be standing beneath the Rockefeller Christmas tree.   Then you’ll get skates and skate around…horribly…and laugh and fall.     That’s the dude I want you with.

 

Dudes with sisters will always be superior to dudes without sisters.   Hands down.   Use that for ties.   If there is a tie and they both have sisters?   Choose the dude with more sisters.   Unless you hate the sisters, of course.   If you hate the sisters, choose the other dude.   If you hate the mom?   Leave.   Immediately.   Unless the mom is in prison and has a super long sentence because she robbed a bank with Patty Hearst or did some sort of bombing with the Weathermen.

 

 

And, for the most part, avoid these:

 

  1. Dudes who wear V-neck sweaters. 87% of dudes who wear V-neck sweaters are d-bags.
  2. Dudes over the age of 26 who go to clubs.
  3. Dudes over the age of 17 who use emoticons in texts
  4. Dudes who did not have a beard last year but have a beard this year.   They don’t have a beard because they like beards…they have a beard because it’s trendy. If they had a beard because they LIKED beards, they would have had a beard five years ago.   Seriously. Trendy dudes tend to be d-bags.  Much like the women who bought tiny purse size dogs when Paris Hilton was the “it” girl.   You would not want me dating a woman who bought a tiny purse dog because Paris Hilton had a tiny purse dog back then…I don’t want you dating some dude who has a beard now because beards are trendy.   Ask to see a 2013 photo of them.   Did they have a beard in that photo?   No?   Dump him.   Then, use The Google to find the Dinty Moore commercial on lumberjacks.   That’s a funny video.     PS:   Same goes for that new stupid haircut where the sides are shaved and the top is long.   You know why you never saw that style before four months ago?   Because it is a super stupid hair style.   No one ever walked into a hair place ever and said “hey…keep it long on the top, but shave it on the sides using a 2.” Unless that guy is a super model, he’s a trendy d-bag.   N-O…..”no” on trendy guys.
  5. Dudes over 35 who accessorize too much.   Like Johnny Depp or Dave Navarro.   Unless it is actually Dave Navarro and Johnny Depp.     You are not allowed to date Johnny Depp….he was not nice to Amber.   Not at all.
  6. Dudes who ever owned an Ed Hardy shirt, an Anarchy shirt, or a shirt with angel wings on it.   Ever.   Like, if they owned one when they were 19 back in 2007 and you see a photo from back then, I want you to leave that man and never go back.   Trust me.   D-bag is either part of your DNA or not part of your      DNA
  7. Dudes who expel gas in front of you intentionally…unless you are both locked in a trunk during a kidnapping.   He should leave the room.

 

Age?   Age matters.   That stuff about “age is just a number” is a bunch of crap.   In the row next to me right now there is a sixty something year old man with a thirty-something woman.   And…..it’s gross.   I am A-OK if you use an older guy or a younger guy for a sexual sorbet….a palate cleanser between things.   Your range for relationships is 4 down and 9 up. No more and no less.   You may put any other age into the chew toy basket and do with them what you like; however for relationships your floor is 4 years below you and 9 above.   You are not allowed to change those numbers.   No……we cannot negotiate on the age thing. Age matters.   Period.

 

Finally, please keep in mind that all of us……you, me, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, everyone…….is a different person in the first 180 days.     Don’t make any big moves (moving in, moving, marrying) in those first 180 days.   Give it some time.   I know, I know, I know…..he hung the moon and stars and makes you feel like you never felt before and he’s the perfect man.   I get it.   If that is the case, then he’ll still be that person on day 187 and you can move in with him on day 188.     Lots of people show their true character after the first six months.   I want you to be happy for a long time……take your time on the big decisions.   If he is pushing for the move in or the marriage fast?   Run.   Run fast.   Text me and I’ll meet you somewhere for a burger and introduce you to someone else there at the bar.     As a sexual sorbet thing for the in between time.

images3

That’s it.   Again….you are beautiful, you are smart and you are funny.   Take your time.     Choose the right one because if you choose the wrong one, there is nooooooooo fucking way I am coming over for Thanksgiving.

 

Hugs,

 

Mully

 

 

couple-heart-holding-hands-love-Favim.com-492773

 

images

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Juxtaposition….Red Hot Chili Peppers, Yeats, & Felix the Cat………Juxtaposition

 

whiskey-on-the-rocks

 

 

mindofmullyrectThis post was written in seventeen minutes after deboarding a MN to CA flight listening to the song below five times….looped…after hearing it while pulling into the Hertz car return in Bloomington, MN.     Pull it on up and read you some Yeats……smoke rings, I know you’re going to blow some, indeed…….

 

 

Whenever I hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ tune “Can’t Stop”, Keats’ poem “Second Coming” inserts itself, mentally, in the middle of the tune’s musical parts.     Because the two works of art are virtually the same.     Except that “Can’t Stop” has John F singing off key as back up and I looooooove that part of the song.   Because it gives me one single RHCP tune upon which I can sing backup.

 

 

 

Juxtaposition………..it rules.

 

 

 

Go ahead.   Give it a try.   Felix the Cat will keep you company.  What’s in the bag?    WHAT’S IN THE BAG?????? (said in a Brad Pitt voice).

 

None of your/our business.

 

 

 

felix

Turning and turning in the widening gyre   

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

 

Can’t stop addicted to the shin dig
Cop top he says I’m going to win big
Choose not a life of imitation
Distant cousin to the reservation
P funk the pistol that you pay for
This punk the feeling that you stay for
In time I want to be your best friend
Eastside love is living on the west end
Knock out but boy you better come to
Don’t die you know the truth is some do
Go write your message on the pavement
Burning so bright I wonder what the wave meant
White heat is screaming in the jungle
Complete the motion if you stumble
Go ask the dust for any answers
Come back strong with fifty belly dancers

 

felix

 

 

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

 

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Ever wonder if it’s all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Come and tell me when it’s time to

felix

 

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere   

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

 

Sweetheart is bleeding in the snow cone
So smart she’s leading me to ozone
Music the great communicator
Use two sticks to make it in the nature
I’ll get you into penetration
The gender of a generation
The birth of every other nation
Worth your weight the gold of meditation
This chapter’s going to be a close one
Smoke rings I know you’re going to blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can’t stop the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop

 

felix

The best lack all conviction, while the worst   

Are full of passionate intensity.

 

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Ever wonder if it’s all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Come and tell me when it’s time to……

 

 

felix

Surely some revelation is at hand;

Surely the Second Coming is at hand.   

 

Wait a minute I’m passing out
Win or lose, just like you
Far more shocking
Than anything I ever knew
How ’bout you
10 more reasons
Why I need somebody new, Just like you
Far more shocking than anything I ever knew
Right on cue

felix

 

The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out   

When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi

 

Can’t stop addicted to the shin dig
Cop top he says I’m going to win big
Choose not a life of imitation
Distant cousin to the reservation
P funk the pistol that you pay for
This punk the feeling that you stay for
In time I want to be your best friend
Eastside love is living on the west end
Knock out but boy you better come to
Don’t die you know the truth is some do
Go write your message on the pavement
Burning’ so bright I wonder what the wave meant

felix

 

Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert   

A shape with lion body and the head of a man,   

 

 

A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,   

Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it   

Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.   

The darkness drops again; but now I know   

That twenty centuries of stony sleep

Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,   

 

 

Kickstart the golden generator
Sweet talk but don’t intimidate her
Can’t stop the gods from engineerings
Feel no need for any interfering
Your image in the dictionary
This life is more than ordinary
Can I get 2 maybe even 3 of these
Come from space
to teach you of the Pleiades
Can’t stop the spirits when they need you
This life is more than just a read thru

 

And what rough beast, its hour comes round at last,   

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

 

 

felix

 

fist_in_the_air
Night….have good dreams…….
whiskey-on-the-rocks

 

Your image in the dictionary……

 

 

This life is more than ordinary……..

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

Yes, it is.

 

 

Thankfully……………….

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Here Is Your Damn Horoscope……..You Are Welcome…….

 

 

mindofmullyrect

mindfmullyhoro

This thing was written in eight minutes while looping the tune below.    The Stylistics.    Man, oh, man…..the Stylistics were smooth.     Smoooooth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

astrology 3

 

 

Here is your horoscope, courtesy of data visualization master David McCandless and coder Thomas Winnigham.   This horoscope applies to you each and every day until either the day you die, the day the sun burns out, or the day you perish in the raptor and/or zombie apocoplypse.     I just saved you hours of time reading other, less accurate horoscopes.   You are welcome.

 

 

 

ARIES: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along…your lucky number is one.

 

 

TAURAS: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is two.

 

GEMINI: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is three.

 

 

CANCER: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is four.

 

 

LEO: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is five.

 

 

VIRGO: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is six

 

 

LIBRA: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is seven.

 

 

SCORPIO: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is eight.

 

 

SAGITTARIUS: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is nine.

 

 

CAPRICORN: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is ten

 

 

ACQUARIUS: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is eleven.

 

 

PISCES: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is twelve.

 

 

 

Oh, and here are some animated GIFs that should dance to the Stylistics tune you cued up when you pressed play up there at the top.     That’s a damn fine tune.   Damn fine jackets in the video, too.   Damn fine dance steps.     Damn fine harmonies.   Yeah, yeah, yeah…the thrid one does not truly go with the Stylistics tune.     Two out of three is not bad, though.   According to Meatloaf.       And the baseball hall of fame.

 

 

9T4z8nbTE

 

 

 

giphy

 

swingmation-wip

Good night.

 

 

 

fist_in_the_air

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

“You Do Work the Same Way You Do Women”……Therapy, Pairings, & John Green.

top

 

 

This thing was written in one hundred four minutes while looping Michael Stanley Band’s “Let’s Get The Show on the Road” and REM’s “Green Grow the Rushes” over and over and over and over and over and over…….

 

 

mindofmullyrect

 

Last Saturday morning, a friend visited my amazing relationship therapist, Ellen about whom I have written many times here on this site. The friend needed some relationship advice.   Her situation was confusing and, as I always do, I suggested “you should talk to Ellen….she is amazeballs.”

 

Ellen is, indeed, amazeballs.     As you can see here, on July 22, 1999, she handed me that awesome title up there…..”you do work the same way you do women”…..as a few lines in my journaling notebook.     She was right.   I used to “do work” the same way I “did women”.   Which is why I sought her out in the first place like an intelligent pig seeks out tasty truffles.

 

IMG_4359

 

 

Here is Ellen’s card.   If you need to talk to Ellen…..ever….give her a shout.   Give her three things for me. A hug. My eternal thanks. And my love.

 

IMG_4099

 

Whenever a friend goes to Ellen, and periodically just to pass the time, I leaf through the three notebooks of block printing and vague scribbles I made during those many, many sessions with Ellen, devoted to getting me over the behavior of “doing work the same way I do women.” Back to the therapy thing later. First, some John Green.

 

Also discussed here previously, John Green writes the most amazing stories characterized by strong female leads, artful turns of phrases, perfect word choices, and flawed, imperfect characters…..often with a redemptive aspect.   Or death.    John Green writes about four things.   Love.   Redemption.   Death.   Imperfection.

 

Had I not stumbled upon Ellen back in 1998, all of John Green’s books would have made excellent substitute therapy.   You walk away from reading them smarter than when you walked in and desirous of being the best damn partner and friend in this galaxy and any tangential galaxies.   And adventure.   You walk away from each Green book desirous of adventure.   And, of course, thinking of redemption, love, death, and imperfection.

 

Go buy all his books and read them.   They are chew toys of books….you can knock them off in an hour or two.   If you don’t have that extra ten hours to devote, here are a few most excellent excerpts from John Green books.   Homeboy can certainly turn a phrase.

 

“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste.” — Paper Towns

 

“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” — The Fault In Our Stars

 

“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.” — Paper Towns

 

“You don’t remember what happened. What you remember becomes what happened.” — An Abundance of Katherines

 

“We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” — Looking for Alaska

 

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” —Looking for Alaska

 

“Everything that comes together falls apart. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you stopped suffering when they did.” — Paper Towns

 

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.” —Will Grayson

 

“Those awful things are survivable because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be.” — Looking for Alaska

 

“Anything that happens all at once is just as likely to unhappen all at once, you know?” — Will Grayson

 

“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.” — Paper Towns

 

“maybe tonight you’re scared of falling, and maybe there’s somebody here or somewhere else you’re thinking about, worrying over, fretting over, trying to figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you’re gonna land, and i gotta tell you, friends, to stop thinking about the landing, because it’s all about falling.” — Will Grayson

 

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” — Paper Towns

 

“Being in a relationship, that’s something you choose. Being friends, that’s just something you are. [But] I do pick you. We’ve been friends too long to pick, but if we could pick, I’d pick you.” —Will Grayson

 

“If you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.” — Paper Towns

 

“He wanted to draw out the moment before the moment—because as good as kissing feels, nothing feels as good as the anticipation of it.” — An Abundance of Katherines

 

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” — The Fault In Our Stars

 

“At some point, you just pull off the band-aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” — Looking for Alaska

 

“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” — An Abundance of Katherines

 

“When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It’s because a little piece gets lost – the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.” — Will Grayson

 

“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.” — Will Grayson

 

 

“But it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he has Cassius note, ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves.” — The Fault in our Stars

 

“You can love someone so much… But you can never love someone as much as you miss them.” — An Abundance of Katherines

 

 

 

John green writes amazing passages and moving books.   The man can pull feelings out of you that you never knew existed.

 

Over the years, I have been quick to dismiss choice for matrimony as a result of terrorist activity. For years I have said that the reason I chose to get married in 2002 was a direct result of 9/11/2001.   That’s not to take away anything from my ex-wife….we shared a lot of laughter and such during those five years we were together…it’s just that I imagine I would have married anyone with whom I was throwing around “I love you’s” when I got trapped in Saalfeld, Germany on 9/11.   Given that me being in love is as rare as the periodical cicada of the genus Magicicada, the confluence of those events was odd.

 

I spent September 7-9, 2001 in New York City with a group of friends from California and New York City.     One of the friends was the lead writer on MTV’s “Celebrity Death Match” and we had a most excellent tour of the MTV studios, followed by a significantly large amount of cocktails and the Jets home opener on Sunday. Immediately following the Jets loss to the Indianapolis Colts in their home opener, I drove to JFK and took the red eye to Frankfurt, Germany for some work meeting things.     I had been dating my soon to be fiancé for almost six months on September 9, 2001.

 

Our meetings were in Saalfed, Germany…in the old East Germany……seven hours east of Frankfurt.     Or five if you drove really, really, really, really, really, really fast.   I generally made that drive in five.   Saalfeld was founded somewhere around 1010 and the hotel where we stayed while in Saalfeld was built right around that same time.    As was the manufacturing facility where we had our meetings.   It’s a pretty, little city.   Looks like this:

 

hotel2

 

When the planes hit the World Trade Center, we were in afternoon meetings and one of the administrative assistants pulled my CEO and I out of the meetings. With a pained look, she brought us down to her computer terminal and showed up the towers on fire.   After seeing what was what, the CEO and I walked back to our hotel. He tried to call his wife and children and I sat there watching people jump out of the windows at the Word Trade Center on the ten inch black and white East German television bolted to the wall.   It was right about then that, for the first time in my thirty-seven (then) years that I realized something might be more important than work, work, work and solitude.     I envied our CEO trying to reach his wife and children and thought that looked like a cool thing to be able to do as an adult when the shit hit the fan.

 

This was the hotel….it was really, really, really old.

 

hotel

This was the room with the ten inch black and white East German television…..

 

hotel-anker-saalfeld

Two years into relationship counseling, in 1999, Ellen made me write out this list here….a description of what I though the perfect relationship was.   A few months back here on Mind of Mully, I shared the sixteen traits of the perfect mate Ellen had me write.   This paragraph was another exercise.   And not actually putting it to use seemed to be about as smart as taking tennis lessons for four years and then never actually playing tennis with another person on the tennis court.    You may as well play someone if you are learning to play, right?

 

perfect

 

Our return flight from Germany was scheduled on 9/12.   Clearly, we were unable to make that flight, given the grounded flights, air space bans and new regulations.   Three days later I was on the first flight that landed Cincinatti since 9/11.     We were the first flight landed at CVG since 9/11 and as many times as I have connected through Cincinnati at all hours of the day, I never experienced silence in that airport like I did on 9/15.   We walked off the plane to deafening silence.     Nothing.   No other passengers and only security guards.   Out of thousands of weekly walks through airports over the years, that walk was the most memorable.

 

cheesewine01

 

Correct Wine & Cheese Pairings

 

Fresh and soft cheeses love crisp whites, dry rosés, sparkling wines, dry aperitif wines, and light-bodied reds with low tannins. Wines with apple, berry, stone fruit, tropical, melon, or citrus flavors work best. Avoid big, tannic red wines like Malbec, Cabernet Sauvignon, Bordeaux, and Bordeaux blends.

Cheeses: Ricotta, Mozzarella, Burrata, Chèvre, Feta, Halloumi, Brie, Camembert, Brillat-Savarin, Crottin, Bûcheron
Pair with: Riesling (dry to sweet), Gewürztraminer, Moscato, Champagne, Cava, Chablis, Chenin Blanc, Pinot Gris, Pinot Grigio, Albariño, Grüner Veltliner, unoaked Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Provençal rosé, Beaujolais, Lambrusco, White Port, Fino sherry

Semi hard and medium aged cheeses have a firmer texture and stronger flavors. They need medium-bodied whites, fruity reds, vintage sparkling wine, and aperitif wines that offer a balance between acidity, fruit, and tannin.

Cheeses: Havarti, Edam, Emmental, Gruyère, Jarlsberg, young Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Manchego, Tomme d’Alsace
Pair with: Chardonnay, white Burgundy, white Bordeaux, Pinot Blanc, Viognier, white Rhône blends, Riesling (off-dry), Gewürztraminer, Champagne, red Burgundy, Pinot Noir, Beaujolais, Dolcetto, Barbera, Zinfandel, Merlot, vintage Port, young Tawny Port, Amontillado sherry

Stinky cheeses call for light-bodied wines with demure aromatics that complement rather than compete.
Cheeses: Époisses, Taleggio, Morbier
Pair with: Gewürztraminer, Riesling, Sauternes, red Burgundy, Pinot Noir

Blue cheeses need wines with both oomph and sweetness to balance their bold flavors and usually very salty, savory body.
Cheeses: Stilton, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, Cambozola, Bleu d’Auvergne
Pair with: red Port, Tawny Port, Sauternes, Oloroso sherry, Banyuls, Recioto, Tokaji

Harder cheeses love full-bodied whites and tannic reds. Their nuttiness also works with oxidative wines like sherry, and their saltiness makes them terrific with sweet wines.

Cheeses: Aged Cheddar, Cheshire, Comté, aged Gruyère, aged Gouda, Pecorino, Manchego, Asiago, Parmigiano Reggiano
Pair with: Aged white Burgundy or Bordeaux, white Rhône blends, sweet Riesling, Viognier, vintage Champagne, Vin Jaune, red Burgundy, red Bordeaux, Cabernet Sauvignon, Barolo, Barbaresco, Nebbiolo, Petite Sirah, California red blends, red Rhône blends, Zinfandel, red Port, Tawny Port, Madeira, Sauternes, Oloroso sherry.

And for crying out loud, when you pair up and serve up wine and cheese, toss some tasty nuts in there for a change of snacking pace.     Get some roasted pine nuts.  Even better?   Google “Vino Volo”.   Buy three pounds of Vino Vola’s marcona almonds…..brown sugar covered almonds with rosemary and sea salt then……(wait for it)…….carmelized!     They.   Rock.     Marcona almonds are so tasty they will make you sob like a baby. You are welcome.

Back on point.   The correct musical pairing for all John Green books is either REM or the Michael Stanley Band.   In re-reading all my John Green books on plane rides from June 18 to August 18, I listened to all REM and Michael Stanley Band songs and documented them.   Scribbled poorly in the back pages and on random margins.   Which is why you never want to borrow books from me.   Unless you are a fan of scribbled margins and random underlying.   Feel free to listen to Michael Stanley Band songs and REM songs when you dive into some Green.   Again, you are welcome.

 

624f37442f3bb919991fed7e94dfc919

 

 

Ellen had me do a lot of exercises between 1998 and 2001.   Lots and lots and lots.   None made much sense on their own.   In retrospect, read through at the same time years later when a friend visits Ellen for a first session, they pull together nicely.   Like a Seinfeld episode.   Ellen is the Mr. Miyagi of relationship counseling.

 

At the time, when I was without a doubt the worst relationship partner and an average to slightly above average friend….self absorbed 73% of the time and sleeping the remaining 27% of the time….. I thought it was a silly exercise.    She said…….in less than three pages, write out who you want to grow into one day”   I wrote this in 1999:

 

1

 

IMG_4354

 

 

IMG_4356

 

When I wrote that, I was 7% of that description.   8% on a good day and 4% when I was being careless.    Or when I was hammered.

 

Each year when 9/11 week rolls around, I remember walking through that eerily quiet Cincinnati concourse on 9/15/2001 and thinking “man, it’s time to get married”.  This year on that week, leafing through Volume One of the Ellen Journals and seeing those three pages, I realized that the marriage, being a husband (albeit for a brief period), and the subsequent years have gotten me to 68% of that description. That’s pretty cool And since I’m going to live to be 173, I have a full 124 years to get the remaining 32% nailed down.   So, that’s even more cool.   Plenty of runway.

 

 

 

 

There are countless saying like “he who dies with the most toys wins”.   I think if you and I had John Green out for bourbon flavored drinks and we asked Mr. Green to please complete the following sentence…”She/He who dies _______________”, Mr Green would answer with this.     “She/He who dies with more relationship beginnings than ending….wins”.   And that would be the right answer.

 

If you are with someone right now and it’s clicking on all eight cylinders, I hope that is your last beginning.     If you are not with someone, yet want to be, I hope your next beginning is your last first beginning.

 

Night.

 

 

 

forgive

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Two Non Blondes YouTube Channel……..You Are Welcome

two non blondes flier copy

 

 

 

As promised two weeks back, we have begun populating a YouTube channel with all seventeen months of Two Non Blondes mediocrity.     If you grow weary of reading here and looking at pictures and such…..you can tune in over there and listen to good music, done in a mediocre fashion.    Yet, with enthusiasm, vim and vigor.    By August 1, 2014, we should have the full catalog….1,973 songs…..up on the YouTube channel.

 

You can find the main page here:

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEWAF_1z2TtMWTHDT9Z3w_Q

 

What’s there?     There are no rabbits with pancakes on their head.   Which is a shame.

 

bunnypancake

 

 

There are love songs, done in a mediocre fashion……..

 

 

 

More love songs, done on a first take….in a mediocre fashion….so as to capture the laughter…..

 

 

 

 

There are break up songs (our specialty), done in a mediocre fashion……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are out takes from our “recording” sessions, done in a less than mediocre fashion……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is never before seen footage of live Two Non Blondes at open mic nights, playing in a mediocre fashion……

 

 

 

 

 

There are Hanson songs, done in a mediocre fashion…..

 

 

 

 

There are drugs songs, done in a mediocre fashion……

 

 

 

And, of course, there are extremely done one time practice sessions of prescient tunes, done in a mediocre fashion….

 

 

 

Have a look around and, as always, you are welcome.    Thanks for visiting.

 

 

 

fist_in_the_air

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Happy Birthday to Me………..Yeats, Keats, & Kittens

 

 

caken

 

mindofmullyrect

This thing was written in twenty-seven minutes while listening to the Two Non Blondes cover (sort of) of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ song “By Thw Way”.    It’s a cover.   Sort of.

 

 

 

sunset

 

My senior year at Miami University, I took a two credit poetry course as an elective.   It was a wonderful course.   The professor was stunningly beautiful….not that this means anything because genetics are handed to you during that whole zygote process and makeup is relatively easy to apply…….she also had a beautiful mind.   A beautiful mind is 3,907 times more attractive than genetics.   When I choose to fall in love, it is always with the mind…..that is a fine rule to follow.    Write that down.   You are welcome.   She was my singular college professor crush.   Unrequited.    She could recite Dickinson, Wadsworth, Longfellow, Whitman, and Tennyson from memory.   And Yeats & Keats.     She loved her some Yeats & Keats.

 

During the second week, the instructor asked me to please explain five similarities and differences between Yeats and Keats.     Not having completed the reading and nursing a pretty significant hangover, I replied simply that “Yeats was Keats…………with a “Y”.   That reply got me a ten page assignment comparing and contrasting Yeats and Keats

 

That two credit course began a long and torrid love affair with poetry……and with Yeats and Keats.

 

I spend roughly, or precisely, six hundred twenty-four hours per year on planes and have spent (roughly or precisely) six hundred twenty-four hours on planes each year for the last twenty-five years.   When you take six hundred twenty-four hours and divide it into days using something I like to call “math”, you get twenty-six days. Never fond of speaking with strangers anywhere I am assigned to sit (e.g. my favorite seat….3B….on planes, the bar area of a sushi bar, any bar in any airport or hotel, ad infinitum) because the vast majority of strangers will bore you to tears or make you want to stick knitting needles in your ears with their stories, those twenty-six days in the air tend to be an excellent adult “time out”.   Twenty-six days of solitary confinement with alternating periods of silence, Motley Crue and diagraming poetry.     Diagramming poetry keeps your mind fresh and….you get to read a bunch of poetry.     Thanks to that ridiculously beautiful professor and that two hour elective course at Miami University,

 

I mostly do Yeats, although Keats pops up now and then.    Yeats is Irish…..which makes him a better writer.

 

 

Yeats

 

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

 

 

 

Yeats, Yeats, Yeats……..soooooooo, we have Yeats’ three principles of the mind in “A Vision A”.     Hanrahan is the romantic primitive, Robartes is the intellectual, and Aedh is the starcrossed lover, speaking that poem up there.     And those three can be traced to Yeats digging Plotinus, whose philosophical writings had three principle…..the One, the Intellect, and the Soul.   And if you trace Plotinus back, you’ll end up at his teacher Saccas….and if you trace Saccas back you end up at Plato.

 

That ten page paper as punishment for a flippant reply did not go to waste.   Not even a little bit.

 

 

Keats……”Bright Star”

 

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art –
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors –
No – yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever – or else swoon to death

 

 

 

 

New Kittens…Yeats, Keats, Dre, and Eminem

 

These little bastards living here for the next two weeks……named after poets.

 

IMG_1709

 

IMG_1703

Birthday Gift for You

 

Today is my birthday and, like Joey on the dead series “Friends”, I am a giver.   I’m giving to all you loyal Mind of Mully (Whatever One) the following.

 

First, for those of you feeling emotionally precarious or the need to feel alive again, we are re-opening the Mind of Mully Indefinite Time Period videos on YouTube and…..perhaps more importantly……we are going to start making more Mind of Mully Indefinite Time Period videos.     Here is one to get you warmed up.   You don’t want to pull a hamstring.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are many of you who simply visit this page and have not seen our Two Non Blondes videos….like the one there up at the top.   This week, we are opening a Two Non Blondes YouTube channel where you will be able to see really awful things like this cover of Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me”

 

 

 

 

 

 

And outtakes…..which are actually far better than the really awful two minute sections of songs we post to Facebook.   Outtakes like this one……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy birthday to me.

 

IMG_1744

Finally got my damn pony…..and three out of four on the “to do” list isn’t too shabby.

 

fist_in_the_air

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Yeah, I Like Yellow Sneetches…That’s My Sneetches Problem

 

 

 

index

 

 

mindofmullyrect

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

alltreerappers

Two years ago, at a 2 Chainz show in Chicago, it struck me that you can substitute most of Dr. Seuss’s characters into rap songs for any of the words you may find objectionable, while still retaining the beat and the parts of the songs that you may enjoy.   For example, below you will find the words many people find objectionable in “Fucking Problem” (Drake, 2 Chainz, & Kendrick Lamar) with the story “The Sneetches” from Dr. Seuss’s collection of short stories “The Sneetches and Other Stories”.

 

Give it a try.     See?   It works with any Dr. Seuss book and every rap song.   Yep.    As always, you are welcome.

 

 

“Sneetches Problem”
(feat. Drake, 2 Chainz, Kendrick Lamar)

 

Sneetches-2
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Plain Bellied Sneetches I got a Sneetches problem

And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Plain Bellied Sneetches I got a Sneetches problem
If Fix-It-Up Chappie creates your Sneetches problem
Bring your bellies to the crib maybe we can solve it

 

2chainz

  Hold up Sneetches simmer down
Takin’ hella long Sneetch give it to me now
Make that thing pop like a semi or a nine
Oh baby like it raw with a shimmy shimmy ya
Huh, ASAP get like me
Never met a yellow Sneetch….. fresh like me
All these Star Bellied Sneetches wanna dress like me
Put the chrome to your dome make you sweat like Keith
Cause I’m the Sneetch, the Sneetch Sneetch, like how you figure?
Getting figures and painting Sneetches, she rollin’ swishers
Brought her Sneetches, I brought my Sneetches, they getting bent up off the liquor
She love my licorice, I let her lick it
They say money make a Sneetch act Sneetch-rish
But at least a Sneetch Sneetch rich
I be paintin’ broads like I be paintin’ bored
Turn a plain belly Sneetch out have her star bellied…..beast

 

sneetchball

I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Plain Bellied Sneetches I got a Sneetches problem

And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
If Fix-It-Up Chappie creates your Sneetches problem
Bring your bellies to the crib maybe we can solve it
8drake

I know you love it when this beat is on
Make you think about all of the Sneetches you’ve been leading on
Make me think about all of the rappers I’ve been feeding on
Got a feeling that’s the same dudes that we speakin’ on, oh word?
Ain’t heard my album? Who you sleepin’ on?
You should print the lyrics out and have a painting read-along
Ain’t a painting sing-along unless you brought the Star Off Machine along
Then ju… (Okay, I got it)
Then just drop down and get yo’ eagle on
Or we can stare up at the stars and put the Beatles on
And that beach you talkin’ bout is not up for discussion
I will pay to make it bigger, I don’t pay for no reduction
If it’s comin’ from a Sneetch I don’t know, then I don’t trust it
If you comin’ for my head, then McMonkey McBean get to bustin’
Yes Lord, I don’t really say this often
But this long beach Sneetch ain’t for the long talking, I ………beast

 

Sneetches-1glrrv0

I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Plain Bellied Sneetches I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
If Fix-It-Up Chappie creates your Sneetches problem
Bring your bellies to the crib maybe we can solve it

lamar
Yeah Sylvester McMonkey McBean, this the finale
My pep talk turn into a pep rally
Say she’s from the hood but she live inside the valley now
Vacate in Atlanta, then she going back to Cali
Got your girl on my line, world on my line
The irony I paint ’em at the same damn time
She eyeing me like a Sneetch don’t exist
Girl, I know you want this scene
Girl, I’m Sylvester McMonkey McBean
Aka Benz is to me just a car
That mean your friends need to be up to a par
See my standards are pampered by threesomes tomorrow
Kill ’em all dead bodies in the hallway
Don’t get involved listen what the crystal ball say
Halle Berry, hallelujah
Holla back I’ll do ya, Sneetch

 

singing

I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Plain Bellied Sneetches I got a Sneetches problem

And yeah I like Star Bellied Sneetches, I got a Sneetches problem
I love yellow Sneetches, that’s my Sneetches problem
And yeah I like Plain Bellied Sneetches I got a Sneetches problem
If Fix-It-Up Chappie creates your Sneetches problem
Bring your bellies to the crib maybe we can solve it

 

 

Dr_Seuss_VS_Shakespeare_Epic_Rap_Battles_of_History_12_Lyrics

 

Holla………………….

 

 

fist_in_the_air

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized