Dear America: This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things:


Best experienced with Neil Young’s “Keep on Rocking in the Free World”.   Feel free to right click the link below to open the tune in a new browser window.   That instruction is for my mom…..who would have clicked on the link and missed the actual writing…….


(Written from November 9, 2016 through January 19, 2017)





The first three weeks of November were crappy.   First, the Indians lose Game 6 and Game 7 of the World Series.   Then, slightly less than half the nation votes in an orange colored, poorly qualified person to the Executive branch.   Then, Leonard Cohen dies.     The only thing that would make that three-week period worse is if the world ran out of bourbon.   Which is why I penned a letter to America and some of the groups in America on various plane rides across this great nation.


Dear America……………


This is why we cannot have nice things.



Dear Coal Miners:


As you may have seen, 6 days after the election, Mitch McConnell (he’s the guy who runs the Senate, in the event you only follow politics when someone lies to you and gets you all riled up in a Presidential race) has already said……and I quote……”bringing back coal jobs is a private sector job….not a government job.”   His words.     And, by the way, the words of everyone else for the last 12 years.   Coal did not go away because of President Obama or even President Bush.   Coal jobs went away because coal had a solid run from 1843 to 1983 and now is no longer the best energy source.     Period.   Not a single one of you is going to get your job back.   He was full of shit.   It is a motif……like that whale in the book about the old guy and the whale.     Bullshit…..a motif.


You saw that Kanye West was at the orange guy’s towers there in NYC, right?   It was all over the news.   Do you know why you have not heard that same orange guy say a thing about coal jobs or have anyone involved in coal jobs in for a visit?   It is not because the news outlets missed the coal meetings……


It is because the orange dude lied to you. Like he lied to his first two wives when he said “to have and to hold until death do us part.”.   You know what liars do?   The lie.   That’s why we call them liars. You got snowed.     You know what would have been the same thing on the Democrat side?  If Hillary had stood in front of crowds and screamed “I am going to bring back the biplane and regular gasoline cars!”     You would have said, “whaaaaat the hell is that?   That’s not possible”   Same thing with the coal jobs.   You got bullshitted.    Get used to it.


Dear Farmers:


You got bullshitted as well.     You know whom TPP would have helped?   You.   One of the main beneficiaries of TPP is US agriculture.   Don’t believe me?   Use The Google and hind the October 16, 2016 article that was on the front page of that liberal rag the “Wall Street Journal”……Google the following… quotations…”wall street journal TPP farmers” and it will be your first search result that pops up.   Go ahead and read through that.     See?   That’s why you ought to read edited newspapers BEFORE you go to rallies and get all riled up about them damn non whites who are over here stealing our jobs.


Oh, and those of you farmers who use migrant workers to plant and then bring your crops in in the Southeast….keep in mind that in those two years that Alabama and Georgia outlawed migrant workers, they lost hundreds of millions in revenue.     So they changed the law.   Because we NEED migrant workers.   Proof source?   Of course I have a proof source.   I do actual research.


And the guy who just got appointed to be Secretary of Agriculture?   He used to be a Democrat…until he flipped when being a Republican made it easier for him to become governor in Georgia.   Which means he has no character.   And when they had a drought in Georgia back in 2007, he got a bunch of people together and they did a……..wait for it……prayer circle to make it rain.   Yep.   No…, it did NOT work.   I am as shocked as you are.


Dear Steel Workers:


This may come as a shocker given the pervious two paragraphs……but here goes.     You got snowed, too.   The dude who was named as Secretary of Commerce….you know how he made HIS money?     Wait for it……….wait for it………he is a vulture investor who purchased steel mills, fired people, then sold those steel mills to the Chinese.   Guess what the Chinese did with the steel mills?   They poured capital in, modernized them and doubled the US workers in them.   No. Just kidding.   They closed them and put people out of work.


Don’t believe me?   Here is a 2004 article.   That was 12 years ago,   From well before he was named Sec Commerce.


Soooooooooo, four weeks ago, and for 15 months before that, it was “I’m going to create so many jobs for you steel workers and coal miners.   Now, he has hired… Secretary of Commerce… of the people who is supposed to help CREATE jobs…..a dude who made his billions buying distressed businesses and firing the workers.   You didn’t see that coming, did you?   You know who DID see that coming?   Anyone who has ever looked into how the orange dude has run his companies for the last thirty years.   Those of us who read things and do our homework.     Wilbur Freaking Ross.   Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.



Dear African American Friends:


First, let me rewind this back……to an apology first about slavery….then an apology about Jim Crow from 1920 to 1974 (or longer in some places……like up until today) and then……about the whole mass incarceration thing that was sort of the same thing as slavery and Jim Crow.     And now what does white America deliver to you?


A dude whose FATHER marched with the KKK in 1927 and was fined for failure to disperse while marching with the KKK.   A dude who helped his daddy discriminate against people of color in the tenements they owned from 1972 to 1978.   A dude who walked off a plane in Nevada earlier this year, walked up to the microphone and yelled “where is my African American?   (scans crowd)……THERE’S my African American!”.   A dude who says “THE blacks” because you KNOW he has used a completely different word for the previous 70 years when talking about non-Caucasian peeps.     A racist will be in the White House.


And he will be surrounded by racists, too.   Shocker.   Jeff Sessions?   He said that the thing that bothered him about the KKK was that they smoked pot and was considered too racist for a federal judge position.   Now he is AG.   Bannon?   White nationalist……always has been and always will be.   Pompeo?   Another racist…..called President Obama an “evil Muslim, Communist, usurper.”   Yep.   A racist surrounding himself with racists?   Shocker.


From the bottom of my heart……sorry about that.   I have your back.   Everyone I know has your back.


Dear Koch Brothers:


Look… got your little puppet into the head position at the CIA.   Yes, we are all aware that you have been the money behind Pompeo since the beginning.   Like “Trading Places” or “The Manchurian Candidate”.


And you got another puppet……. for Sec of Energy……


I liked the “Trading Places” evil brothers a trillion times better than you.   Mostly because Eddie Murphy was funny back then.   I miss the funny Eddie Murphy.   It’s like his genes turned off the funny gene in 1998.   That’s a shame.   In any event, you two suck….despite what your happy little Koch commercial on CNN say.   The earthquakes in Oklahoma that were NOT there before fracking tell a different story than the blonde in your Koch commercials.


Dear Anyone Who Pays Taxes:


Did you see the next tax plan?   It’s a good one.   If you are in the top 1%.   Now, if you’re in the middle class, especially if you are in a family with three or more children or a low or moderate earning single parent, you are going to pay MORE.   You didn’t actually believe him when he said you were going to pay less, did you.   Man, you are gullible.   The dude who told the truth about the tax plan was Bernie Sanders.   He looks completely different.   Bernie is not orange.


In any event, if you don’t earn more than $576,000 per year, you’re going to pay more.   Suckers.


Dear People Who Made the Movie “Bad Santa”:


I see your movie several dozen times around this time of year.   Great flick.   Thanks for making it.   Here’s my problem with your flick, though.   I cannot suspend my disbelief when the bad Santa character has the romantic fling with the good-looking bartender.   There is NO chance that bartender would make the beast with two backs with a nasty, smelly homeless drunk.   Nope.


Dear Richard Nixon’s Ghost:


Remember during the Pentagon Papers scandal when you said; “we should quit making heroes out of people who steal other people’s secrets and then publish them in newspapers”?   Dude…you should have seen Wikileaks.   And Russia.   Remember how you hated Russia and How Reagan hated Russia and how everyone hated Russia?   I still hate Russia.   Guess who does NOT hate Russia.   Seriously.   Go ahead.   Take a wild guess……


Dear Steven Seagal:


I see Putin gave you a Russian passport.   There was a photo of it in the paper this morning.   That shirt you were wearing in the photo made you look fat.   Or, rather, your eating habits and lack of working out made you look fat in that photo.   One or the other.


Does Putin know you are not actually Casey Rybeck from “Under Siege”?   You are the actor who portrayed Casey Rybeck in “Under Siege”….you have never actually been in the Navy.   Did you know Putin murders reporters?   And rivals?     And took over part of the Ukraine two years ago.   You fat ass commie sympathizing has been.


Dear Flynn:


You are a Commie punk sympathizer.   Ronald Reagan’s ghost is probably going to come haunt you…..every night……for all eternity.     Because President Reagan hated the Commies and you know whom he hated more?   Pinko sympathizers like you who take money from RT.


Dear General Mattis:


Thank you for taking that job.   It is comforting to know that there is one person in that cabinet who is an “other directed” adult….not to mention the fact that you can kill several people at one time with your bare hands.


Dear Senator McCain:


If you want to punch the orange dude in the face a few times for mocking your military service, you have precisely 17 hours to do it relatively easily and with less of a penalty.   If you need any help, call me.


Dear Everyone Who Believed Homeboy’s Lies About Taking Care of Everyone:


Here is a photo from three weeks ago of the top twenty-four (24) positions in the cabinet…with the veep and president spot included.   Twenty-four positions.     Of those 24 positions, precisely 4 of them (16%) of them are not men.     Women make up 51% of the United States population and 16% of the orange dude’s cabinet picks.   That’s a pretty big delta.   Bet you feel kind of stupid if you held a sign at those rallies that read “trump loves women”.   Or, maybe you were confused about what he loves them for.   Clearly not for cabinet positions.


Back to those 24 positions.   2 of the 24 positions (8 percent) are non-white dudes.


That means that of those 24 positions, 20 of the nominees are……wait for it…….white men.   31% of the general population is made up of white men and 83% of the orange guy’s team are white men.   Of those white men he pulled in, 73% of them are millionaires and billionaires.   Less than 1% of the United States population is millionaires or billionaires.   Which means that this proposed cabinet is the least representative cabinet since the late 1700’s.   This cabinet actually looks JUST like the ruling class in the 1700’s when only land owning men could take part in government.   Welcome to 1793, everyone.


And it means that all these morons who said they believed they were going to get something different and that this guy truly cared and that he was all about them got snowed.   Which is not that shocking.


Dear CNN:


You know who we did not need to see on CNN all weekend after Castro died?   Elian Gonzales.   I don’t care what Elian Gonzales thinks about that Commie dying… one cares what Elian Gonzales thinks about that Commie dying.   Well, there’s a good chance that Steven Seagal cares about that Commie dying.   Because it looks like he is on some sort of treasure hunt where he collects dirty Commie passports.


You know how we know no one cares about Elian Gonzales?   Because up until the time when Castro died, no one saw him or asked him any questions.   You know why?   Because he demonstrated his lack of intelligence by choosing to reject South Beach.   If you’re not LeBron heading back to The Land of Cleve, rejecting South beach is insane.


Dear DNC:


No.   No you cannot have any more money.   You had plenty of money and you lost the election.     Quit sending me emails.   You cannot have any more money.   I will; however, continue to give money to Applegate because Issa is a smarmy punk. Despite being from The Land of Cleve.


Hey, hey, hey… about this.   How about in the NEXT Presidential campaign you make matching in-kind donations to food banks and homeless shelters.   For example, if you and the RNC spend a billion dollars on the Presidential campaigns, you then also donate a billion dollars to hungry and homeless people.


You were angry that President Obama won the primary in 2008 and then you lost your way.   Since then, you have lost over 6,000 state, local and national seats. You need to find your way, DNC.


Dear Pundits & People Saying “It Was the Economy”:


Bullshit.     Cleveland’s Corey Kluber and Andrew Miller were an amazing MLB pitching combo in 2016 and have the stats and the wins to back up that assertion. Atlanta’s Matt Wisler and William Perez were awful in 2016…..they sucked….and the numbers and wins prove that out.   Numbers & facts……facts & numbers.


The economy was dong crappy under Bush 41….we brought in Bill Clinton and grew the economy much like Ike grew it from 1953 to 1961.   Then Bush 43 took the reigns and six years later the economy was tanking in a spectacular fashion.   Then we brought in Barak Obama and unemployment went back down, jobs went back up, the stock market climbed to new record highs.   And President Obama’s average GDP growth was twice that of Bush 43.


Anyone saying “it was the economy” is either a moron or full of shit.   We just took out Corey Kluber and instead of tossing the ball to Andrew Miller, we threw it to Wisler and Perez.   You got snowed if you think this new group is going to do better on the economy.   That has not happened under a Republican in over thirty years and it sure as hell will not happen under someone who has bankrupted six companies.     Bankruptcy means failure.   Bunch of racist, misogynist morons is what it was.   Period.


Dear Disenfranchised White Voters:


See above.


Dear Anyone Who thinks Gerald Kushner Ought to be Involved:


His daddy Charles Kushner, a multimillionaire real estate executive, philanthropist and one of the top Democratic donors in the country, was sentenced in 2005 to two years in federal prison after pleading guilty to 18 counts of tax evasion, witness tampering and making illegal campaign donations.   Apples…..trees…….


In June of last year, then Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump received his first—and one of his only—endorsements from a publication. It came courtesy of The Daily Stormer, a neo-Nazi and white supremacist website. The Daily Stormer’s stated goal, according to founder Andrew Anglin, is “to ethnically cleanse White nations of non-Whites and establish an authoritarian government. Many people also believe that the Jews should be exterminated.” In the wake of Trump’s shock victory, Anglin suggested to readers that they should troll pro-Clinton liberals into committing suicide.

As if that weren’t enough, Trump also received endorsements from the American Nazi Party, whose chairman believed a dt victory would present “a real opportunity” for the white nationalist movement, as well as “The Crusader”, otherwise known as the official newspaper of the KKK. And over the course of the campaign, both dt and his eldest child of the corn…..donnie Jr……shared anti-Semitic memes that originated on neo-Nazi message boards, while matching bad haircut children of the corn (and rejects from a drug fueled orgy scene in the vampire movie “Blade”) sons donnie jr. and eric did actualy interviews with five white nationalist-affiliated outlets.

The Trump camp’s seeming embrace of the white nationalist movement, and their utter refusal to condemn any and all anti-Semitism spread in Trump’s name, is particularly puzzling when you consider the fact that Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, who some dt advisers have called his “real campaign manager,” is an Orthodox Jew. It’s even more baffling when you take into account how dt’s daughter, Ivanka, converted to Orthodox Judaism to marry him.   How challenging would it be to craft a press release that disavows all support from white nationalist and anti-semitic groups and condemning their action?     I could jot one of those up in eleven minutes.   Twelve, if I got wordy.   I always get wordy.




Dear Facts:

I miss you.   I miss you dearly.

However, in a country where the majority believes angels are real things and then believes that because they BELIEVE angels are real it proves that angels are real…….facts get lost pretty rapidly,   Just because YOU believe something does not make it a fact.

I’ll keep reading books.   And fact checking.   I will never lose my love of you, facts.   Ever.   I ordered these last week and will read them this week and get more next week.   I heart you, facts.


Here’s a fun fact.   In the last 10 years, both President Obama and Hillary Clinton received significantly more votes than the orange, misogynist guy:

President Obama, 2008:   69,498,516 votes.   365 electoral votes

President Obama, 2012:   65,915,796 votes.   332 electoral votes

Hillary Clinton, 2016:         65,844,610 votes     236 electoral

Orange Guy, 2016             62,979,636 votes     304 electoral votes

However, that’s not the best fact.   The best fact is when you proportionately compare the orange misogynist guy’s popular vote total and electoral college totals to all the winners previously, you see that he is one of the least winningest of the winners.   Which is pretty fun.


Dear Starbucks Employees:

I saw that whole “people having you write dt’s name on their cups” thing because of Howard Schultz.     Which is pretty amusing because that means they’re giving Howard Schultz between $3.80 and $6.40 every time they protest against him.   That’s a pretty good deal for Howard Schultz and Starbucks investors.

Here’s a suggestion…and one that’s not going to hurt you because those morons aren’t coming back anyway.   Instead of writing dt’s name on the cup, write the last name of a famous feminist, a famous civil rights person, a famous LGBT rights person, or a famous Muslim author.   Here are some names to get you rolling………Naomi Wolf, Abu’l Hasan Mihyar al-Daylami, Oscar Wilde, Tennessee Williams, Azar Nafisi, Truman Capote, Alice Walker, James Baldwin……..there you go,. Knock yourself out.

Or, you could put the tally of the tally of the number of bankruptcies each has and that would still include the dt name.   You could scrawl “Howard Schultz:   ZERO bankruptcies……dt:   SIX bankruptcies.” on their cup.   That would be pretty fun, too.

Dear Republicans:


You know that infrastructure plan that was discussed during the election and in depth from November 9 to today?   Do you think your President knows that was Democrat plan that was shot down seven (7) times by your Republican controlled Congress?   You know that paid maternity leave and equal pay for women plan dt discussed during the election and the same plan that his team says they want to get done in the first six months?   Do you think he knows that is a Democratic plan that the Republican controlled Congress shot down five (5) times?


You know all those global trade deals that he wants to swap out or switch out?   You know that’s been the Democratic party’s platform for a while, right?   Your heads must be exploding.   Or……you are like me when a large pizza with bacon and onions shows up.   Super, super happy that a large pizza with bacon and onions just showed up, but also super, super unhappy at what that’s going to mean for the next month in terms of extra cardio and 1600 calorie days to make up for eating the pizza with bacon and onions.   That’s tough.   I don’t feel for you, though.


Dear Christians:


You know that whole “put America first” thing?   You know what book that is contraindicated in?     The Bible.


And you know that whole “taker versus maker” thing?   I voted yes on proposition 55 in California that is going to keep my tax rate at 13.3% for 2017.   You know why?   Because that money is going to the kids…….it keeps schools going.   And it keeps the budget balanced after that slap dick with no previous experience…..Arnold S…tried to burn the state to the ground.   You know what Christians do?   They think of everyone else and THEN they think of themselves.   They also call people like Arnold and the dt slap-dicks.   Yep.


Dear LGBT Friends:


Because some of you pointed me at Pence 20 years ago, I have been following the dude.   He hates you.   You know who else hates you?   Giuliani.   You know who else hates you?   Gingrich.     You know who loves you? I love you.


Recently, Matt Hennie…..owner and editor of Project Q wrote: “Republican lawmakers in Georgia are itching for another fight over anti-gay ‘religious freedom’ legislation and are now exploring breaking their bigotry into bite-size pieces and passing several bills,.   After all, Republicans have an insatiable appetite for anti-gay bills.”


You have my word that if anyone fucks with you over the next 4 years, all you have to do is call me, leave a voice mail with their name and address and I’ll stop by that persons house with a sock full of quarters and I will beat the living shit out of that person.   Pinky promise.     The overwhelming majority of we straight peeps love you and we have your back.   I can’t say that everyone else will resort to barbarism and violence against those who screw with you…….but I will.   Hell, yes.   I like to beat the crap out of closed-minded bigots.


Dear People with an Accent:


See the last paragraph.   Substitute the word “racists” for bigots.   We Irish especially have your back.   We got here between 1845 and the early 1900’s and faced the same sort of crap….”the Irish are happy, lazy, stupid, with a gift for music and dance.”     And they were criminals.   And drunks. I have multiple pairs of socks and two whole jars full of quarters.     Whenever I get home from a trip….be it to the super market or a plane ride, I throw all my change into those jars.   Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of quarters.



Dear Anyone on Medicare:


Sorry that Medicare is about to get gutted.   Those of you who voted for the GOP candidate and are on Medicare… didn’t really do your homework, did you?   See, Paul Ryan has wanted to gut Medicare for three years and has put it in the same basket for three years as the ACA.   It is a completely different animal, yet he is tossing them in the same pen.   He HAS put them in the same pen for three years.   More than three years, actually.   He started talking about replacing Medicare twelve years ago.


And now…..well now he has what he needs to gut Medicare.   He has the legislative and the executive branches from 2017 through 2019.   You didn’t think about that one when you voted, did you?   Next time… your homework.       If you don’t die first.   From not having your Medicare coverage.


Dear Democrats Who Did Not Go Out to Vote:


Did you get all pissy when he announced that alt-right batshit crazy Bannon was going to be representing the nation in the White House to determine strategery?     Did you say “hey…..that’s the guy who is documented in the court papers during his divorce as saying that he hates Jews and did not want his children attending a school with whiney Jew kids!”     That guy.   The guy who is the voice of white power.   Did that piss you off?


Yeah….well… you can see, that was YOUR fault.     The dt received less votes than McCain and less votes than Romney, but you didn’t go out to vote.   Thanks.   Jackasses.   (see the chart above again……..)


Dear Democrats and Indies Who Only Pay Attention Every Fourth Year:


As an FYI, this has been going on since December, 2008, when we elected the fist African American President.     It has been an eight year….successful…..offense that began with “meh….you never know what that black dude is going to do so we need to TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK from those non-white people who are trying to steal it from us.   Like we stole it from the Native Americans from 1680 through yesterday.”

Well….not the last line.   But the first one for sure.   And it worked.   They went from 22 Governor positions to 33 and took control of state legislatures in 16 states and you know what those legislators did?   They changed the voting rules!   Yep.   That whole “take our country back from the black dude” started eight years ago


Dear Giuliani:


Hey there, ass-hat.     How you doing?   You know what I remember that no one else does?   I remember that back in 2000, you cheated on your second wife (you had also cheated on the first one) and had the police drive your mistress around.   And you used NYC money to pay for part of your mistress’s apartment and all of her security.   That’s how Dinkens beat you.


Any d-bag who would cheat on two wives will cheat on anyone else in the galaxy.   Everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.     Step in front of a cab, please.


How’s that job with the new administration going?   Whoops.


Dear Southern Poverty Law Center:


Thank you for tracking the uptick in racist activities over the last few months.   Damn shame isn’t it, when people feel like a candidate’s actions and what they articulate justifies the racist things they have kept in the dark for years?


Keep doing what you are doing.   We have your back.


Dear Racists & Bigots:


Technically, you get to say whatever you like in the United States.   I have a new thing on my “to do” list for 2017…..I’m going to keep a list.   And if you do something racist or bigoted, I am adding your name to that list.   Then, one night around 9 p.m., I’ll ring your doorbell and ask “are you so-and-so” and you’ll say “yes” and then I will smack you in the face with a sock full of quarters and then break one of your kneecaps with a tire iron.


It will sort of be like that robot in “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe” that visited homes and insulted people.   Except I will break your nose and your knee….leaving a note behind that says “done because this ass-hat was a racist.”   Yep.   Keep that in mind.


You’ve clearly got “your guy” in office now.   I had some fun with friends the past six months by asking the following questions, in the following order. “How many times was Mitt Romney called a racist or confronted with his racist comments?”   “How many times was John McCain called a racist or confronted with his racist comments?”   “How many times was Bush 43 called a racist or confronted with his racist comments?”     “How many times was Bob Dole called a racist or confronted with his racist comments?”   “How many times was George H.W. Bush called a racist or confronted with his racist comments?”    Then, I allow that to sink in for a bit.


PS: If you have begun at least a single sentence with the following six words one or more time in the past 10 years…..“now, I’m not a racist, but….”, guess what?   Get it?   You know who has never had to preface a statement with “now, I’m not a racist, but…..”?   Anti- racists.


Dear Pamela Ramsey Taylor & Beverly Whaling:


Enjoy your job hunt, you ignorant pieces of white trash.   I don’t hit women, so you are safe from the previous section.   However, you may want to tell Mr. Ramsey and Mr. Whaling that if I am ever close to Clay County, I might just stop by and visit them.   I have no problem smashing them in the face with a sock filled with quarters.   Because they are dudes.     Dudes with awful choice in wives.   And not just because you are extremely obese with a bad haircut, Pamela Ramsey Taylor…..because you are an ignorant racist AND a lover of fast food.


Dear Edited Newspapers:


Thank you for fact checking….especially “Washington Post”.    Those of us who appreciate fact based news stories appreciate your rules….the rules that say you need multiple proof sources and those proof sources cannot be an Albanian web site that made something up out of whole cloth.


Keep it up.   You are the fourth estate and important for a reason.   Honorable men have no fear of edited, fact finding press corps.   Dishonorable men live in fear of you on a daily basis because you are the general public’s path to knowledge.     Richard Nixon hated the press and then he REALLY hated the press when Woodward and Bernstein ferreted out the Watergate thingie.   The whole Watergate scandal had died down and Nixon (et al) had done a fine job of getting everyone else to pay attention to a different shiny thing in the other hand when the Washington Post blew it wide open.   Absent the Washington Post, no one would have known how dirty Nixon was.   The orange guy will be the same way…….keep turning over those rocks.


Keep it up, edited press.   Keep it up.


Dear TV Media:


Part of whatever stupidness happens over these four years is on you.   In fact, batshit crazy fake general Flynn having a job in the White House as of today is on you.   You treated dt as a circus show to drive ratings and then you KEPT doing it.   Not one time did you actually hold him or his team accountable for the things he said.   Had Bush 43, Mr. McCain or Mitt Romney said any of the horrible or batshit crazy things the dt said, you would have held them accountable.


CNN.   You are dead to me.     That 30 minutes you gave him…uninterrupted….after the first GOP debate was disgusting.   You know who had better ideas on that stage?   Rand Paul, Marco Rubio and John Kasich.     Did any of them get 30 minutes with you?   Nope.   That was when he made the M.K. blood comments.   Did you shut him down the minute he said that, like a responsible news organization would?   Nope.   You did not call him on the blood comments and kept on going with the circus show for the next 21 minutes.   You are TMZ now, CNN.   You are dead to me.


Jon Stewart said this the other day: “Stories that were sent from a Macedonian teenager to grandmothers’ email accounts didn’t sway this election. News organizations that lost their credibility and authority because they were not careful enough about introducing toxic and poisoned information and laundering it into a system devalued the authority of real supposed news sources, to the point where people are frustrated enough to elect a man who stands for what he stands for.”


There were plenty of non-Fox news shows that propagated incorrect information and fact-less stories.   Moreover, someone must have made it a law last summer that all talking heads must begin every sentence about HRC by saying “HRC, the person many people do not trust” when the more appropriate intro would have been “HRC, the most qualified person to ever run for President”….or….”HRC, the one candidate for President who has spent virtually every week since college graduation figuring out how to help people not named HRC.”


You’re all dead to me.   Except BBC, C-Span and local public


Dear Fake News Spreaders:


You are idiots.     Mouth breathing, simpleton, dullards.   If you spread the fake stories that the Clintons stole the Haiti money?   You. Are.   An. Idiot. You are stupid.   You know what happens when you don’t research the back-story and make sure that the story is real before sharing this crap? This happens. Someone even more dumb than you, with a gun, follows up on it.


Don’t be a mouth breathing, 67 IQ, simpleton who spreads fake news stories.   Multiple source verify……….




Dear Bernie Supporters:


I love the guy, too.   However, he could not have won.   That answer “everyone is going to pay a little bit more” would never have worked….ever…in a general election.   What would have worked is this: “everyone is going to have some extra money in their pocket at the end of the day….except those bastards who have been hoarding the money since the rebound began in 2010.   Those bastards who have been sitting on 2.3 trillion in cash instead of adding job?     THEY’LL be paying more.”   That is the more accurate answer and the one that would have won.


All of Bernie’s plans were very, very similar to our best President…..Ike.   I like Ike.   And Bernie has only been a Democrat for one and a half years.   As much as I love the guy, he’s not actually a Democrat.     You know who could have won?   Biden.   Biden could have won.   Yep.


Dear Joe Biden:


You complete me.   You’re 57 in your heart and soul. You can run. See you in four years.


Dear Senator Rubio:


Thanks for changing your mind and running and winning again.   Your presence in these confirmation hearings has made the past two weeks bearable.   Thank you, again and please be the first Republican ever to force a primary with a sitting President.     It will take roughly 200 days for everyone to say “this person is a moron……man, we screwed up by not choosing Mr. Rubio.”   That’s when your campaign coffers will begin to overfill.


Dear Bernie and Elizabeth Warren:


Keep it up.   Keep it up.     Please, for the love of God (the real one that most Christians pray to…..not the one the orange guy claims to speak with), keep it up.   President Obama had roughly 40M people screaming “take our country BACK” (with the implied “from that black guy”) from January, 2009 through yesterday.   It is A-OK to start yelling “take our country back” with an extra…..out loud….”from that orange guy” each and every day.   Because precedent was set from the minute the tea baggers started screaming “one term… term……one term….” In January, 2009.     Apparently there is absolutely nothing wrong with being utterly obstructionist.


Dear “Repeal and Replace the ACA” People:


Did you read the textbook in civics class?   There was a pretty important part in there that you may have missed.   In order for the Senate to repeal and replace the ACA, you need 60 “aye” votes in the Senate.   Which means that those who want to take healthcare coverage away from tens of millions of Americans have to convince at least eight (8) Democrats that they, too, want to take healthcare away from tens of millions of Americans.




If you are actually interested in a subject and wholeheartedly behind it, you may want to research it.   For example, let’s say you want to learn banjo.   You may want to read up on Earl Scruggs and the history of bluegrass…….then you may want to draw out all the different rolls and chords and such.   Do the work.   Same thing applies to learning legislation.   Get to know how it operates if you are screaming “repeal and replace’ for a year.   You embarrass yourself when you don’t know how the system works.


Dear Evangelical Christians:


You’re kidding, right?   That guy?   THAT guy?   Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.   He hasn’t seen the inside of the church in years.   He’s about as far from Christ-like as you can get.   Let me know how that turns out for you.   At the very least, you could have said “you know what…….even though she goes to church every day as Methodist and actually quotes scripture…..but we disagree with the 67% of the United States who believe abortion should be legal and safe so we are going to pretend that the orange guy is a Christian.”   I could understand that sentence.   Even with the run ons.


You know what HRC has said for decades……decades….about her faith?   That she learned the teachings of Jesus and applies it to her helping the poor and down trodden…..”Because it sure does seem to favor the poor and the merciful and those who in worldly terms don’t have a lot but who have the spirit that God recognizes as being at the core of love and salvation,”


The guy you chose worshipped at Gordon Gekko’s church.


Dear Muslims:


Don’t worry about the internment camps.   There are roughly 64,000,000 of us who would burn down anything like that as it was built.   We got your back.     We love you.


Don’t worry about the whole “register as a Muslim” thing.   Aside from being wholly unconstitutional and against everyone’s civil rights, if that were to be done, roughly 70,000,000 of us would register as Muslims.   Just to fuck with The Man and show solidarity with you.   We got your back.   We love you.



Dear Millennials Out Protesting in the Street:


How do you feel about your “protest” vote now?   A third of you voted for a third party and you’re shocked and angry that this guy won?   Seriously?   Have you not attended the logic classes at college?   You’re wasting your mommy and daddy’s money.


You know what would have taken LESS of your time?      Voting for HRC in the first place.   Do they still teach you math?   I added up the Gary Johnson and Jill Stein votes in the swing states that matter and if you take the proportion that would have gone to HRC, she wins.   Because of your “protest” vote.   You know Stein is a climate change denier, right?     You know that Johnson’s running mate spent the last month of the campaign looking straight into cameras and saying “don’t vote for us….vote for Clinton.”   That should have been a cue for you.


However, stay out there in the streets.   Keep it up.   Get involved in local government.     Stay active in the non-Presidential years.   Keep being the riot that is the rhyme of the unheard.     Read “The Federalist Papers”, get comfy with the entire Constitution, subscribe to both the “Wall Street Journal” and the “NY Times”.     Read the “National Review” every once in a while for a different perspective.   Vote in every election.   Remember that every election has consequences.


Dear Kid Rock:


Thank you for making punk rock……and mixing it with the hip-hop……and thank you for getting us higher than the treetops.   Thank you for making southern rock……and mixing it with the hip-hop.   You’ve got money like Fort Knox.   You have forever been the Kid Rock.  Forever.


Dear President Obama:


Thanks for saving the car industry and getting unemployment rates back down under 4.6%.   And for adding 9,265,000 jobs since you took office.     Bush 43 added 1,300,000 jobs in his 8 years.   Less than you.


And thank you for getting the deficit from $1.3 trillion in 2009 to $438 billion right now.   And thank you for getting the deficit as a proportion of GDP from 9.8% to 2.5% during your 8 years.   That’s about to be blown up, you know.   Every gain you made in reducing Bush 43’s deficit over 8 years will be ruined by the tax plan and the spending plan I read last weekend.     Just like Bush 43.   This appalls me as a fiscal conservative.


And thanks for not using tweets to converse.   You know why I am not on Twitter, Mr. President.   Because it is base and pedestrian.   Those who use it as a primary conversing tool are base and pedestrian.   Have you ever read Alexander Hamilton, John Jay and James Madison’s “Federalist Papers”?   They are a work of art. You know who would NOT be on Twitter?   John Jay, Alexander Hamilton, and James Madison.   Because they were not pedestrian.   They were brilliant.


You were an amazing President.   Thank you.


Dear Michigan and Ohio:


Were you aware that President Obama and the Democrats in Congress saved your asses in 2009 and 2010?   Despite Bush 43 being in charge during 2007 and 2008 in the largest financial collapse since 1929, many of the Republicans voted AGAINST saving the automobile industry, or at the very least bitched about it for a few years.   You know how you not only didn’t collapse, you are now thriving?   That’s because of the Democrats and President Obama.   Think how bad it would have been without the bail out.


Remind me not to lend you $20 when you need it.   You have a short memory.


PS:   Flint, Michigan.   Flint.   Republicans did that.   Let me know how the next four years works out for you.


Dear Military:


You just got the largest non full war time budget in the history of our country at $611 Billion……..with a “B”.   The highest military budget before this one was $643 Billion,….with two full wars going on at one time.     Ike is rolling over in his grave and wagging his finger and screaming……”I WARNED you about that………”


Ike…..we spend more now than the next seven countries combined.   Combined.



Dear Mayor Betsy Hodge of Minneapolis:


Congratulations on keeping your city a sanctuary city.   That’s not really a word, though, and let me tell you why.     It is absolutely not “illegal” to cross the border and remain here.   That is not a crime.   You cannot look up that crime….because it does not exist.     Under U.S. law, that action (crossing the border and remaining) is not a crime and those who do it are not criminals.


Have a look out here at California.   The largest spike in immigration to California took place under Bush 43 (shocking, eh) and maintained the same rate until the final two years of the Obama administration.   The crime rate (especially the violent crime rate) declined each of those years in Los Angeles and in the state.     We do a splendid job of getting along with new friends.   Yep.


Dear K.A. Conway


I just saw you on “Meet the Press”….Chuckie Todd asked you about this “thank you” tour where your team is doing a six-week, extended touchdown dance.   In the states that your team carried.   Chuck asked you if the orange guy meant what he said on November 9 when he said


California, that state you’ll be avoiding like the plague on this touchdown dance tour, has the largest and most successful economy in the United States.   It’s also the largest state in the nation.   You may want to pop on out here…..maybe we can teach you guys a few things.


Dear Governor Rick Scott of Florida:


Congratulations on keeping your state a bastion of racist white trash and racist rich trash.   I remember that Columbia HCA perpetrated the single largest case of Medicaid and Medicare fraud when you were the CEO there.   You scooted when you saw the walls were about to come down and now you are the governor of a white trash Mecca.   Shocker.


Dear Women:


You rock.   We all have your back in every way as the misogynists try to get you back barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.     Not that you need us……I just wanted you to know that about 70% of us have your back.


My plan for the next 240 years is a solid plan.   Since we white men dominated the legislative, executive and judicial branches for the first 240 years, we should make it so that women hold 90% of the elected positions for the NEXT 240 years and then 240 years from now, we split it up and women get 51% of the elected and appointed positions and men get 49%….so it is proportional.


If you see this sign in the marches over the weekend, that’s my sign.   Well, one of 27 signs I have made.   CVS ran out of white.   So, I got pink.   And Bulleit was on sale for $21 a bottle.   That’s a heck of a deal.


Dear California:


I’m a math, facts and statistics person.     California is the biggest state in the United States by a large amount and is the fifth largest economy in the world.     Beaten only by the entire United States, China, Germany, etc.   California’s GDP grew 4.2% last year….double the national average.   HRC won California 62% to 33%.   If you were going to extrapolate from a single state, you’d extrapolate from California.   You know how we did it out here?   We said “fuck you Republicans” after that moron Arnold destroyed the state.     It’s time to say “fuck you Republicans” across the nation.   Run the same offense they have been running for 20 years.


While I can appreciate the people who kindly said “we have to do what we can to support him”, that is certainly not how President Obama came into the White House.   Hell, no.     From the first day, there were Congress members saying “we are going to obstruct his agenda and make sure he is a one term President.”     From day one. And President Obama won by far more than the orange guy.      We obstruct and obstruct and obstruct and when the GOP complains we do the 1980’s drug commercial thing.

We look hurt and say “I learned it from YOU, dad……..”




Dear America:



I love you, but THIS is why we can’t have nice things.     Keep on rocking in the free world…..





If you would like to hear the post election, bourbon infused Two Non Blondes version of “Keep on Rocking in the Free World”, here you go……







Filed under Uncategorized

Dear Female Friends Who Are Kicking Yourselves For Not Finding the Right Guy and/or Who Keep Trading in Morons for Morons:





(I’m on a cross country flight watching “How To Be Single” while thinking about a conversation today with a female friend about a d-bag she just dumped.   Which was similar to convos I have had with plenty of female friends through the years. I grew up with three sisters and keep a 50/50 ratio of “ride or die” friends…female to male.   I’ve never tried to make out with a female friend because I would also not try to make out with a man friend.     Friends are friends.   No one should try to have sex with their friends.   This is an open letter to all my single female friends.   Print it out and put it on your fridge.)



Dear Female Friends Who Are Kicking Yourselves For Not Finding the Right Guy and/or Who Keep Trading in Morons for Morons:



Hey!   How are things?   How about them Browns?   Can you believe all the horse crap with Johnny Manzeil?   What a moron.   Speaking of morons, I need you to raise the bar on the guys you have been dating.   You are better than that.   You deserve better than what Tinder is handing you through its algorithms.


And here’s the gig.   If I thought you were an idiot, or a poor dating partner, I would by no means tell you otherwise.   You know me.   I am as subtle as a chopping block.   If you utterly sucked as a dating or lifetime partner, I’d encourage you to take what you can get and take it as fast as humanly possible.     I have done that.


You are smart.   You are very witty and amusing.   You’re an excellent person to bounce random things off of, like “should I buy a hot air balloon or simply rent one for a month” and “can I eat this (insert name of food stuff) if it looks like this?”   You are beautiful.   You are going to be a superb wife and an amazing mother.   You don’t need me to tell you that….you know that.   You most certainly don’t need the dude in the V-neck sweater with the new beard to tell you that. His opinion does not count.


I want to wake up many mornings throughout your next relationship and get a text from you that reads “(insert dude’s name here) left me a half gallon of milk in a cooler outside my door with a cute card and seven huge chocolate chip cookies so that I’d come home from work to that last night.”     I want THAT dude to be your boyfriend.   I want to read those texts and I want you to pay attention to the list below. I want your next boyfriend to go 9 for 9 on the list below.   Print this list and put it somewhere safe in your house.   Not on the fridge.   If you put it on the fridge, some dude will see it, take a photo of it and just do this crap.   You want someone to do this crap because they always do this crap.   It’s Zen to them.   This stuff.


  1. He opens the doors.   All the doors.   All the time.
  2. He acts mostly the same in months 7, 11,13, 27, and 39 as he did in months 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.   Anyone can be shiny for 180 days.   True character reveals itself in long lasting behaviors.
  3. He brings you some damn flowers.   Randomly and consistently
  4. Same with greeting cards.   Especially in months 7, 11,13, 27, and 39.   And month 127.
  5. He sings to you with vigor, regardless of his singing ability.
  6. He brings cash with him.   Everywhere.   Men should carry cash at all times.     Everywhere.     Seriously.
  7. He respects women.   All women.   All the time.   In word and deed.
  8. Those texts that you received each morning in the first 79 days are the same type of texts you receive each and every morning from day 81 to 623.
  9. He understands that love is not an emotion…it is a decision you make each and every day when you wake up.   He wakes up, looks at you, smiles and decides to be in love with you that day…more than the day before.
  10. He’s A-OK with you being more smart, funny, or successful than him.   This sort of goes with G; however, it can also be a stand-alone.
  11. He is kind.   Always.   To everyone and everything.


That was a list of 11.   Not 9.   I wanted to see if you were paying attention.   11 is one louder.   Always has been.   Always will be.


I also want you to be with a man who surprises you on December 19 with a trip to New York City.   I want him to throw you both on a plane, get a car service from JFK (La Guardia is just nasty…..and he should know that) and you go to a hotel where you will walk into the room and there will be a cheese plate set up and wine in decanters…breathing.   Then, he will blindfold you in a limo and you’ll end up somewhere and he’ll walk you out of the limo and when he takes off the blindfold you will be standing beneath the Rockefeller Christmas tree.   Then you’ll get skates and skate around…horribly…and laugh and fall.     That’s the dude I want you with.


Dudes with sisters will always be superior to dudes without sisters.   Hands down.   Use that for ties.   If there is a tie and they both have sisters?   Choose the dude with more sisters.   Unless you hate the sisters, of course.   If you hate the sisters, choose the other dude.   If you hate the mom?   Leave.   Immediately.   Unless the mom is in prison and has a super long sentence because she robbed a bank with Patty Hearst or did some sort of bombing with the Weathermen.



And, for the most part, avoid these:


  1. Dudes who wear V-neck sweaters. 87% of dudes who wear V-neck sweaters are d-bags.
  2. Dudes over the age of 26 who go to clubs.
  3. Dudes over the age of 17 who use emoticons in texts
  4. Dudes who did not have a beard last year but have a beard this year.   They don’t have a beard because they like beards…they have a beard because it’s trendy. If they had a beard because they LIKED beards, they would have had a beard five years ago.   Seriously. Trendy dudes tend to be d-bags.  Much like the women who bought tiny purse size dogs when Paris Hilton was the “it” girl.   You would not want me dating a woman who bought a tiny purse dog because Paris Hilton had a tiny purse dog back then…I don’t want you dating some dude who has a beard now because beards are trendy.   Ask to see a 2013 photo of them.   Did they have a beard in that photo?   No?   Dump him.   Then, use The Google to find the Dinty Moore commercial on lumberjacks.   That’s a funny video.     PS:   Same goes for that new stupid haircut where the sides are shaved and the top is long.   You know why you never saw that style before four months ago?   Because it is a super stupid hair style.   No one ever walked into a hair place ever and said “hey…keep it long on the top, but shave it on the sides using a 2.” Unless that guy is a super model, he’s a trendy d-bag.   N-O…..”no” on trendy guys.
  5. Dudes over 35 who accessorize too much.   Like Johnny Depp or Dave Navarro.   Unless it is actually Dave Navarro and Johnny Depp.     You are not allowed to date Johnny Depp….he was not nice to Amber.   Not at all.
  6. Dudes who ever owned an Ed Hardy shirt, an Anarchy shirt, or a shirt with angel wings on it.   Ever.   Like, if they owned one when they were 19 back in 2007 and you see a photo from back then, I want you to leave that man and never go back.   Trust me.   D-bag is either part of your DNA or not part of your      DNA
  7. Dudes who expel gas in front of you intentionally…unless you are both locked in a trunk during a kidnapping.   He should leave the room.


Age?   Age matters.   That stuff about “age is just a number” is a bunch of crap.   In the row next to me right now there is a sixty something year old man with a thirty-something woman.   And…’s gross.   I am A-OK if you use an older guy or a younger guy for a sexual sorbet….a palate cleanser between things.   Your range for relationships is 4 down and 9 up. No more and no less.   You may put any other age into the chew toy basket and do with them what you like; however for relationships your floor is 4 years below you and 9 above.   You are not allowed to change those numbers.   No……we cannot negotiate on the age thing. Age matters.   Period.


Finally, please keep in mind that all of us……you, me, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, everyone…….is a different person in the first 180 days.     Don’t make any big moves (moving in, moving, marrying) in those first 180 days.   Give it some time.   I know, I know, I know…..he hung the moon and stars and makes you feel like you never felt before and he’s the perfect man.   I get it.   If that is the case, then he’ll still be that person on day 187 and you can move in with him on day 188.     Lots of people show their true character after the first six months.   I want you to be happy for a long time……take your time on the big decisions.   If he is pushing for the move in or the marriage fast?   Run.   Run fast.   Text me and I’ll meet you somewhere for a burger and introduce you to someone else there at the bar.     As a sexual sorbet thing for the in between time.


That’s it.   Again….you are beautiful, you are smart and you are funny.   Take your time.     Choose the right one because if you choose the wrong one, there is nooooooooo fucking way I am coming over for Thanksgiving.







1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Juxtaposition….Red Hot Chili Peppers, Yeats, & Felix the Cat………Juxtaposition





mindofmullyrectThis post was written in seventeen minutes after deboarding a MN to CA flight listening to the song below five times….looped…after hearing it while pulling into the Hertz car return in Bloomington, MN.     Pull it on up and read you some Yeats……smoke rings, I know you’re going to blow some, indeed…….



Whenever I hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ tune “Can’t Stop”, Keats’ poem “Second Coming” inserts itself, mentally, in the middle of the tune’s musical parts.     Because the two works of art are virtually the same.     Except that “Can’t Stop” has John F singing off key as back up and I looooooove that part of the song.   Because it gives me one single RHCP tune upon which I can sing backup.




Juxtaposition……… rules.




Go ahead.   Give it a try.   Felix the Cat will keep you company.  What’s in the bag?    WHAT’S IN THE BAG?????? (said in a Brad Pitt voice).


None of your/our business.





Turning and turning in the widening gyre   

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;


Can’t stop addicted to the shin dig
Cop top he says I’m going to win big
Choose not a life of imitation
Distant cousin to the reservation
P funk the pistol that you pay for
This punk the feeling that you stay for
In time I want to be your best friend
Eastside love is living on the west end
Knock out but boy you better come to
Don’t die you know the truth is some do
Go write your message on the pavement
Burning so bright I wonder what the wave meant
White heat is screaming in the jungle
Complete the motion if you stumble
Go ask the dust for any answers
Come back strong with fifty belly dancers





Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,


The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Ever wonder if it’s all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Come and tell me when it’s time to



The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere   

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;


Sweetheart is bleeding in the snow cone
So smart she’s leading me to ozone
Music the great communicator
Use two sticks to make it in the nature
I’ll get you into penetration
The gender of a generation
The birth of every other nation
Worth your weight the gold of meditation
This chapter’s going to be a close one
Smoke rings I know you’re going to blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can’t stop the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop



The best lack all conviction, while the worst   

Are full of passionate intensity.


The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Ever wonder if it’s all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can’t stop
Come and tell me when it’s time to……




Surely some revelation is at hand;

Surely the Second Coming is at hand.   


Wait a minute I’m passing out
Win or lose, just like you
Far more shocking
Than anything I ever knew
How ’bout you
10 more reasons
Why I need somebody new, Just like you
Far more shocking than anything I ever knew
Right on cue



The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out   

When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi


Can’t stop addicted to the shin dig
Cop top he says I’m going to win big
Choose not a life of imitation
Distant cousin to the reservation
P funk the pistol that you pay for
This punk the feeling that you stay for
In time I want to be your best friend
Eastside love is living on the west end
Knock out but boy you better come to
Don’t die you know the truth is some do
Go write your message on the pavement
Burning’ so bright I wonder what the wave meant



Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert   

A shape with lion body and the head of a man,   



A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,   

Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it   

Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.   

The darkness drops again; but now I know   

That twenty centuries of stony sleep

Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,   



Kickstart the golden generator
Sweet talk but don’t intimidate her
Can’t stop the gods from engineerings
Feel no need for any interfering
Your image in the dictionary
This life is more than ordinary
Can I get 2 maybe even 3 of these
Come from space
to teach you of the Pleiades
Can’t stop the spirits when they need you
This life is more than just a read thru


And what rough beast, its hour comes round at last,   

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?





Night….have good dreams…….


Your image in the dictionary……



This life is more than ordinary……..







Yes, it is.





Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Here Is Your Damn Horoscope……..You Are Welcome…….





This thing was written in eight minutes while looping the tune below.    The Stylistics.    Man, oh, man…..the Stylistics were smooth.     Smoooooth.








astrology 3



Here is your horoscope, courtesy of data visualization master David McCandless and coder Thomas Winnigham.   This horoscope applies to you each and every day until either the day you die, the day the sun burns out, or the day you perish in the raptor and/or zombie apocoplypse.     I just saved you hours of time reading other, less accurate horoscopes.   You are welcome.




ARIES: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along…your lucky number is one.



TAURAS: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is two.


GEMINI: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is three.



CANCER: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is four.



LEO: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is five.



VIRGO: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is six



LIBRA: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is seven.



SCORPIO: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is eight.



SAGITTARIUS: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is nine.



CAPRICORN: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is ten



ACQUARIUS: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is eleven.



PISCES: Whatever the situation or secret moment, enjoy everything a lot. Feel able to absolutely care. Expect nothing else. Keep making love. Family and friends matter. The world is life, fun and energy. Maybe hard. Or easy. Taking exactly enough is best. Help and talk to others. Change your mind and a better mood comes along……your lucky number is twelve.




Oh, and here are some animated GIFs that should dance to the Stylistics tune you cued up when you pressed play up there at the top.     That’s a damn fine tune.   Damn fine jackets in the video, too.   Damn fine dance steps.     Damn fine harmonies.   Yeah, yeah, yeah…the thrid one does not truly go with the Stylistics tune.     Two out of three is not bad, though.   According to Meatloaf.       And the baseball hall of fame.










Good night.





1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

“You Do Work the Same Way You Do Women”……Therapy, Pairings, & John Green.




This thing was written in one hundred four minutes while looping Michael Stanley Band’s “Let’s Get The Show on the Road” and REM’s “Green Grow the Rushes” over and over and over and over and over and over…….





Last Saturday morning, a friend visited my amazing relationship therapist, Ellen about whom I have written many times here on this site. The friend needed some relationship advice.   Her situation was confusing and, as I always do, I suggested “you should talk to Ellen….she is amazeballs.”


Ellen is, indeed, amazeballs.     As you can see here, on July 22, 1999, she handed me that awesome title up there…..”you do work the same way you do women”… a few lines in my journaling notebook.     She was right.   I used to “do work” the same way I “did women”.   Which is why I sought her out in the first place like an intelligent pig seeks out tasty truffles.





Here is Ellen’s card.   If you need to talk to Ellen…..ever….give her a shout.   Give her three things for me. A hug. My eternal thanks. And my love.




Whenever a friend goes to Ellen, and periodically just to pass the time, I leaf through the three notebooks of block printing and vague scribbles I made during those many, many sessions with Ellen, devoted to getting me over the behavior of “doing work the same way I do women.” Back to the therapy thing later. First, some John Green.


Also discussed here previously, John Green writes the most amazing stories characterized by strong female leads, artful turns of phrases, perfect word choices, and flawed, imperfect characters…..often with a redemptive aspect.   Or death.    John Green writes about four things.   Love.   Redemption.   Death.   Imperfection.


Had I not stumbled upon Ellen back in 1998, all of John Green’s books would have made excellent substitute therapy.   You walk away from reading them smarter than when you walked in and desirous of being the best damn partner and friend in this galaxy and any tangential galaxies.   And adventure.   You walk away from each Green book desirous of adventure.   And, of course, thinking of redemption, love, death, and imperfection.


Go buy all his books and read them.   They are chew toys of books….you can knock them off in an hour or two.   If you don’t have that extra ten hours to devote, here are a few most excellent excerpts from John Green books.   Homeboy can certainly turn a phrase.


“That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste.” — Paper Towns


“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” — The Fault In Our Stars


“I’m starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.” — Paper Towns


“You don’t remember what happened. What you remember becomes what happened.” — An Abundance of Katherines


“We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” — Looking for Alaska


“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” —Looking for Alaska


“Everything that comes together falls apart. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you stopped suffering when they did.” — Paper Towns


“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.” —Will Grayson


“Those awful things are survivable because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be.” — Looking for Alaska


“Anything that happens all at once is just as likely to unhappen all at once, you know?” — Will Grayson


“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.” — Paper Towns


“maybe tonight you’re scared of falling, and maybe there’s somebody here or somewhere else you’re thinking about, worrying over, fretting over, trying to figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you’re gonna land, and i gotta tell you, friends, to stop thinking about the landing, because it’s all about falling.” — Will Grayson


“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” — Paper Towns


“Being in a relationship, that’s something you choose. Being friends, that’s just something you are. [But] I do pick you. We’ve been friends too long to pick, but if we could pick, I’d pick you.” —Will Grayson


“If you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.” — Paper Towns


“He wanted to draw out the moment before the moment—because as good as kissing feels, nothing feels as good as the anticipation of it.” — An Abundance of Katherines


“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” — The Fault In Our Stars


“At some point, you just pull off the band-aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” — Looking for Alaska


“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” — An Abundance of Katherines


“When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It’s because a little piece gets lost – the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.” — Will Grayson


“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.” — Will Grayson



“But it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he has Cassius note, ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves.” — The Fault in our Stars


“You can love someone so much… But you can never love someone as much as you miss them.” — An Abundance of Katherines




John green writes amazing passages and moving books.   The man can pull feelings out of you that you never knew existed.


Over the years, I have been quick to dismiss choice for matrimony as a result of terrorist activity. For years I have said that the reason I chose to get married in 2002 was a direct result of 9/11/2001.   That’s not to take away anything from my ex-wife….we shared a lot of laughter and such during those five years we were together…it’s just that I imagine I would have married anyone with whom I was throwing around “I love you’s” when I got trapped in Saalfeld, Germany on 9/11.   Given that me being in love is as rare as the periodical cicada of the genus Magicicada, the confluence of those events was odd.


I spent September 7-9, 2001 in New York City with a group of friends from California and New York City.     One of the friends was the lead writer on MTV’s “Celebrity Death Match” and we had a most excellent tour of the MTV studios, followed by a significantly large amount of cocktails and the Jets home opener on Sunday. Immediately following the Jets loss to the Indianapolis Colts in their home opener, I drove to JFK and took the red eye to Frankfurt, Germany for some work meeting things.     I had been dating my soon to be fiancé for almost six months on September 9, 2001.


Our meetings were in Saalfed, Germany…in the old East Germany……seven hours east of Frankfurt.     Or five if you drove really, really, really, really, really, really fast.   I generally made that drive in five.   Saalfeld was founded somewhere around 1010 and the hotel where we stayed while in Saalfeld was built right around that same time.    As was the manufacturing facility where we had our meetings.   It’s a pretty, little city.   Looks like this:




When the planes hit the World Trade Center, we were in afternoon meetings and one of the administrative assistants pulled my CEO and I out of the meetings. With a pained look, she brought us down to her computer terminal and showed up the towers on fire.   After seeing what was what, the CEO and I walked back to our hotel. He tried to call his wife and children and I sat there watching people jump out of the windows at the Word Trade Center on the ten inch black and white East German television bolted to the wall.   It was right about then that, for the first time in my thirty-seven (then) years that I realized something might be more important than work, work, work and solitude.     I envied our CEO trying to reach his wife and children and thought that looked like a cool thing to be able to do as an adult when the shit hit the fan.


This was the hotel….it was really, really, really old.



This was the room with the ten inch black and white East German television…..



Two years into relationship counseling, in 1999, Ellen made me write out this list here….a description of what I though the perfect relationship was.   A few months back here on Mind of Mully, I shared the sixteen traits of the perfect mate Ellen had me write.   This paragraph was another exercise.   And not actually putting it to use seemed to be about as smart as taking tennis lessons for four years and then never actually playing tennis with another person on the tennis court.    You may as well play someone if you are learning to play, right?




Our return flight from Germany was scheduled on 9/12.   Clearly, we were unable to make that flight, given the grounded flights, air space bans and new regulations.   Three days later I was on the first flight that landed Cincinatti since 9/11.     We were the first flight landed at CVG since 9/11 and as many times as I have connected through Cincinnati at all hours of the day, I never experienced silence in that airport like I did on 9/15.   We walked off the plane to deafening silence.     Nothing.   No other passengers and only security guards.   Out of thousands of weekly walks through airports over the years, that walk was the most memorable.




Correct Wine & Cheese Pairings


Fresh and soft cheeses love crisp whites, dry rosés, sparkling wines, dry aperitif wines, and light-bodied reds with low tannins. Wines with apple, berry, stone fruit, tropical, melon, or citrus flavors work best. Avoid big, tannic red wines like Malbec, Cabernet Sauvignon, Bordeaux, and Bordeaux blends.

Cheeses: Ricotta, Mozzarella, Burrata, Chèvre, Feta, Halloumi, Brie, Camembert, Brillat-Savarin, Crottin, Bûcheron
Pair with: Riesling (dry to sweet), Gewürztraminer, Moscato, Champagne, Cava, Chablis, Chenin Blanc, Pinot Gris, Pinot Grigio, Albariño, Grüner Veltliner, unoaked Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Provençal rosé, Beaujolais, Lambrusco, White Port, Fino sherry

Semi hard and medium aged cheeses have a firmer texture and stronger flavors. They need medium-bodied whites, fruity reds, vintage sparkling wine, and aperitif wines that offer a balance between acidity, fruit, and tannin.

Cheeses: Havarti, Edam, Emmental, Gruyère, Jarlsberg, young Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Manchego, Tomme d’Alsace
Pair with: Chardonnay, white Burgundy, white Bordeaux, Pinot Blanc, Viognier, white Rhône blends, Riesling (off-dry), Gewürztraminer, Champagne, red Burgundy, Pinot Noir, Beaujolais, Dolcetto, Barbera, Zinfandel, Merlot, vintage Port, young Tawny Port, Amontillado sherry

Stinky cheeses call for light-bodied wines with demure aromatics that complement rather than compete.
Cheeses: Époisses, Taleggio, Morbier
Pair with: Gewürztraminer, Riesling, Sauternes, red Burgundy, Pinot Noir

Blue cheeses need wines with both oomph and sweetness to balance their bold flavors and usually very salty, savory body.
Cheeses: Stilton, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, Cambozola, Bleu d’Auvergne
Pair with: red Port, Tawny Port, Sauternes, Oloroso sherry, Banyuls, Recioto, Tokaji

Harder cheeses love full-bodied whites and tannic reds. Their nuttiness also works with oxidative wines like sherry, and their saltiness makes them terrific with sweet wines.

Cheeses: Aged Cheddar, Cheshire, Comté, aged Gruyère, aged Gouda, Pecorino, Manchego, Asiago, Parmigiano Reggiano
Pair with: Aged white Burgundy or Bordeaux, white Rhône blends, sweet Riesling, Viognier, vintage Champagne, Vin Jaune, red Burgundy, red Bordeaux, Cabernet Sauvignon, Barolo, Barbaresco, Nebbiolo, Petite Sirah, California red blends, red Rhône blends, Zinfandel, red Port, Tawny Port, Madeira, Sauternes, Oloroso sherry.

And for crying out loud, when you pair up and serve up wine and cheese, toss some tasty nuts in there for a change of snacking pace.     Get some roasted pine nuts.  Even better?   Google “Vino Volo”.   Buy three pounds of Vino Vola’s marcona almonds…..brown sugar covered almonds with rosemary and sea salt then……(wait for it)…….carmelized!     They.   Rock.     Marcona almonds are so tasty they will make you sob like a baby. You are welcome.

Back on point.   The correct musical pairing for all John Green books is either REM or the Michael Stanley Band.   In re-reading all my John Green books on plane rides from June 18 to August 18, I listened to all REM and Michael Stanley Band songs and documented them.   Scribbled poorly in the back pages and on random margins.   Which is why you never want to borrow books from me.   Unless you are a fan of scribbled margins and random underlying.   Feel free to listen to Michael Stanley Band songs and REM songs when you dive into some Green.   Again, you are welcome.





Ellen had me do a lot of exercises between 1998 and 2001.   Lots and lots and lots.   None made much sense on their own.   In retrospect, read through at the same time years later when a friend visits Ellen for a first session, they pull together nicely.   Like a Seinfeld episode.   Ellen is the Mr. Miyagi of relationship counseling.


At the time, when I was without a doubt the worst relationship partner and an average to slightly above average friend….self absorbed 73% of the time and sleeping the remaining 27% of the time….. I thought it was a silly exercise.    She said…….in less than three pages, write out who you want to grow into one day”   I wrote this in 1999:









When I wrote that, I was 7% of that description.   8% on a good day and 4% when I was being careless.    Or when I was hammered.


Each year when 9/11 week rolls around, I remember walking through that eerily quiet Cincinnati concourse on 9/15/2001 and thinking “man, it’s time to get married”.  This year on that week, leafing through Volume One of the Ellen Journals and seeing those three pages, I realized that the marriage, being a husband (albeit for a brief period), and the subsequent years have gotten me to 68% of that description. That’s pretty cool And since I’m going to live to be 173, I have a full 124 years to get the remaining 32% nailed down.   So, that’s even more cool.   Plenty of runway.





There are countless saying like “he who dies with the most toys wins”.   I think if you and I had John Green out for bourbon flavored drinks and we asked Mr. Green to please complete the following sentence…”She/He who dies _______________”, Mr Green would answer with this.     “She/He who dies with more relationship beginnings than ending….wins”.   And that would be the right answer.


If you are with someone right now and it’s clicking on all eight cylinders, I hope that is your last beginning.     If you are not with someone, yet want to be, I hope your next beginning is your last first beginning.








Filed under Uncategorized

Two Non Blondes YouTube Channel……..You Are Welcome

two non blondes flier copy




As promised two weeks back, we have begun populating a YouTube channel with all seventeen months of Two Non Blondes mediocrity.     If you grow weary of reading here and looking at pictures and such… can tune in over there and listen to good music, done in a mediocre fashion.    Yet, with enthusiasm, vim and vigor.    By August 1, 2014, we should have the full catalog….1,973 songs…..up on the YouTube channel.


You can find the main page here:


What’s there?     There are no rabbits with pancakes on their head.   Which is a shame.





There are love songs, done in a mediocre fashion……..




More love songs, done on a first take….in a mediocre fashion….so as to capture the laughter…..





There are break up songs (our specialty), done in a mediocre fashion……..







There are out takes from our “recording” sessions, done in a less than mediocre fashion……








There is never before seen footage of live Two Non Blondes at open mic nights, playing in a mediocre fashion……






There are Hanson songs, done in a mediocre fashion…..





There are drugs songs, done in a mediocre fashion……




And, of course, there are extremely done one time practice sessions of prescient tunes, done in a mediocre fashion….




Have a look around and, as always, you are welcome.    Thanks for visiting.











Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Happy Birthday to Me………..Yeats, Keats, & Kittens






This thing was written in twenty-seven minutes while listening to the Two Non Blondes cover (sort of) of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ song “By Thw Way”.    It’s a cover.   Sort of.






My senior year at Miami University, I took a two credit poetry course as an elective.   It was a wonderful course.   The professor was stunningly beautiful….not that this means anything because genetics are handed to you during that whole zygote process and makeup is relatively easy to apply…….she also had a beautiful mind.   A beautiful mind is 3,907 times more attractive than genetics.   When I choose to fall in love, it is always with the mind…..that is a fine rule to follow.    Write that down.   You are welcome.   She was my singular college professor crush.   Unrequited.    She could recite Dickinson, Wadsworth, Longfellow, Whitman, and Tennyson from memory.   And Yeats & Keats.     She loved her some Yeats & Keats.


During the second week, the instructor asked me to please explain five similarities and differences between Yeats and Keats.     Not having completed the reading and nursing a pretty significant hangover, I replied simply that “Yeats was Keats…………with a “Y”.   That reply got me a ten page assignment comparing and contrasting Yeats and Keats


That two credit course began a long and torrid love affair with poetry……and with Yeats and Keats.


I spend roughly, or precisely, six hundred twenty-four hours per year on planes and have spent (roughly or precisely) six hundred twenty-four hours on planes each year for the last twenty-five years.   When you take six hundred twenty-four hours and divide it into days using something I like to call “math”, you get twenty-six days. Never fond of speaking with strangers anywhere I am assigned to sit (e.g. my favorite seat….3B….on planes, the bar area of a sushi bar, any bar in any airport or hotel, ad infinitum) because the vast majority of strangers will bore you to tears or make you want to stick knitting needles in your ears with their stories, those twenty-six days in the air tend to be an excellent adult “time out”.   Twenty-six days of solitary confinement with alternating periods of silence, Motley Crue and diagraming poetry.     Diagramming poetry keeps your mind fresh and….you get to read a bunch of poetry.     Thanks to that ridiculously beautiful professor and that two hour elective course at Miami University,


I mostly do Yeats, although Keats pops up now and then.    Yeats is Irish…..which makes him a better writer.





Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.




Yeats, Yeats, Yeats……..soooooooo, we have Yeats’ three principles of the mind in “A Vision A”.     Hanrahan is the romantic primitive, Robartes is the intellectual, and Aedh is the starcrossed lover, speaking that poem up there.     And those three can be traced to Yeats digging Plotinus, whose philosophical writings had three principle…..the One, the Intellect, and the Soul.   And if you trace Plotinus back, you’ll end up at his teacher Saccas….and if you trace Saccas back you end up at Plato.


That ten page paper as punishment for a flippant reply did not go to waste.   Not even a little bit.



Keats……”Bright Star”


Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art –
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors –
No – yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever – or else swoon to death





New Kittens…Yeats, Keats, Dre, and Eminem


These little bastards living here for the next two weeks……named after poets.





Birthday Gift for You


Today is my birthday and, like Joey on the dead series “Friends”, I am a giver.   I’m giving to all you loyal Mind of Mully (Whatever One) the following.


First, for those of you feeling emotionally precarious or the need to feel alive again, we are re-opening the Mind of Mully Indefinite Time Period videos on YouTube and…..perhaps more importantly……we are going to start making more Mind of Mully Indefinite Time Period videos.     Here is one to get you warmed up.   You don’t want to pull a hamstring.







There are many of you who simply visit this page and have not seen our Two Non Blondes videos….like the one there up at the top.   This week, we are opening a Two Non Blondes YouTube channel where you will be able to see really awful things like this cover of Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me”







And outtakes…..which are actually far better than the really awful two minute sections of songs we post to Facebook.   Outtakes like this one……









Happy birthday to me.



Finally got my damn pony…..and three out of four on the “to do” list isn’t too shabby.



Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized