Monthly Archives: February 2010

Olympic Village 2010: Dearth of Black Hooded Anarchists, Plethora of Bunny Eared Positivists!








Best Experienced With:    Neneh Cherry;   Buffalo Stance (12” Dance Mix)

(ladies and gentlemen….I’d like to introduce the high hat.  Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music to this evening’s missive.

As we rolled out of Vancouver this afternoon, Bob Costas and his posse ran us off the road  just before we hit the Lion’s Gate bridge.  Kyle and I nearly made a clean escape from the madness that was downtown Vancouver.  Costas has prevented many a clean escape in the past and Costas always will prevent clean escapes.  Calcutta on its most busy day does not hold a candle to downtown Vancouver when both the men’s figure skating exhibition and the curling gold medal match happen simulteously.  Downtown Vancouver today made blood seep out my ears and our singular purpose was escape.  CostasCostas always spoils everything.

Costas wanted to do a segment this evening as a capstone to the Vancouver Olympics.  Sort of a Julie Newmar meets Abbot and Costello in a dark alley while the Mad Hatter tosses back mercury boilermakers and blabbers on and on about ravens and desks.  Believe it or not, most of the world viewing audience has no earthly idea what curling is, how curlers curl, or how curling is scored.  After watching the gold medal curling match with our new friends here at The Howe Sound Inn, we have two solid suggestions for the Mind of Mully readers.

First, each of us needs a pair of the trousers the gentlemen from Norway wore.  Those were fashion forward trousers, sure to appear in Milan this spring.  Second, always watch curling in a pub in the gold medal winning country.  When you watch curling in the gold medal winning country, you can feign attention and simply cheer when everyone around you cheers.  Occam’s razor rears its head again, yes?

Costas, ever the fan of analogies and euphemistic reporting, wanted to explain curling to the world using my dating history as the allegory.  Brilliant!  Kyle threw orange smoke to confuse and we hit the gas.  Speedometer pinned, the two of us laughing like hyenas, we took all the hairpin curves near Horseshoe Bay while Costas sat feeding the Canadian geese in Stanley park.  I like to think Costas was mumbling “Mully always gets away” while making wide, arcing gestures with arms.  In my imagination, Costas always mumbles in some dead language like Crimean Gothic.

My first celebrity crush was Kim Richards from the first version of Escape From Witch Mountain.  Sent Kim a handwritten letter inviting her to my sixth grade dance.  Four weeks later, my mom and I steamed open a typed letter from Kim thanking me for my idol worship and a signed black and white 8.5” X 11” glossy picture.  The picture was signed to “Don”.  I doused the photo in gasoline, torched it, and jumped Tonka trucks on my purple banana seat bike with a sissy bar.  Rear view mirrors are for pansy anarchists.

Next celebrity crush was Olivia de Hussey.  To this day, her portrayal of Juliet in Romeo and Juliet is unsurpassed.  Unfortunately, Olivia was thirty when I was thirteen and both of us realized this was untenable.  Thereafter followed a long line of random, obscure, and mostly unattainable beautiful women.  Each choice was intentional and all choices remain unrequited.  “Intentional” is my middle name and it too is pronounced “X-E-N-O-P-H-O-B-E. ”

We are the sum of our experiences.  Was this the first time I waited for Julia Mancuso for eleven hours, sobbing and carrying on?  Yes.  Will it happen again?  Kind of depends upon whether she qualifies for the Olympics again four years from now and whether Julia is still a hottie then.  I am nothing if not shallow.  Even refused the Jello shots sent to the table by Canadian Olympic freestyle skier (and hot blonde), Veronika Bauer while waiting on little Ms. No Show, Julia Mancuso.  Next time I am going to take Kyle’s sage advice and “go Canadian early.”  Kyle is wise beyond his years.

Curling and my attraction choices…………….…… attraction choices and curling.  Each is a Rubik’s cubic wrapped in a Ponzi scheme.  You can never to expect to fully understand either.  The best you can hope for is to cheer at the right time and know when to cut your losses as the room remains silent and people glance uncomfortably at their loafers. 


The Mind of Mully

Wind on my face

Sound in my ears

Water from my eyes

And you on my mind



Bomb the bass. 

Bomb the bass, indeed.


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Canadian Women Ice Hockey Celebration, Anarchist Pansies, & MofM @ The Olympics


Best Experienced With:    Maroon 5;    Harder to Breathe

(please right click on the link below to cue up the suggested background music for this morning’s entry….the first of an Olympic trilogy.  Feel free to do the line dance from last week if the music moves you to move)


As a serial monogamist and periodic polygamist, have found the last eighteen months of singledom refreshing.  You know that feeling you get when you skate for six or seven days straight and then put your tennis shoes back on?  That type of feeling.  If all goes well with Julie Mancuso when we meet for the Mind of Mully interview at the Garibaldi Bar and Grill later this afternoon, I may be throwing the Bauers back on for a while.  If Perez Hilton can get interviews with his blather, Julia cannot possibly say “no” to a Mind of Mully interview.

Along with providing us China’s applications for the 2009 Nobel Prize, my friend Pam has been mentally pimping me and suggesting potential dating partners.   Pammy demanded that the crack Mind of Mully team spend at least thirty-six hours at the Vancouver Olympics wooing Julia Mancuso.  And here we are. 

As any good business person going into a meeting, spent four minutes last evening diligently preparing a list of questions that will guide my conversation with Julia Mancuso.  Would suggest that you sales and marketing kids always walk into any meeting with your list of eleven.  You are welcome!

  1.  May I please wear your medals and tiara when we go to sushi?
  2. Does it still look like I have a chocolate swim cap on?  Had my hair painted the other day and want to make sure it does not look like I am wearing a chocolate swim cap after a hair painting.  That’s not a good look for me.
  3. Do you find gentlemen with faux chocolate swim caps dead sexy?
  4. Really?
  5. Do you prefer wallpaper or paint?
  6. What do you prefer to do when it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love?
  7. Does Vonn get on your nerves some times?
  8. Ever backhand her when the cameras are over on the snowboarders? 
  9. Are you fond of all animals or do you buy into that “dog person”, “cat person” thing like those animal misogynist bigots do?
  10. 10.   Do you have tickets to the USA-Canada hockey match on Sunday?
  11. 11.   Good!  Can you please take me and Kyle?


Am going to miss the anarchists at the Vancouver Olympics.  Man, but they were fun to mess with at the Republican National Convention back in 2008.  If you want to make an anarchist’s head blow up, ask the following question:  “when I stop by your little apartment later on this evening to smack you in the head and steal your appliances, who are you going to call to make the pain stop?”  True anarchists will get stuck in a brain loop and their head will explode.   Sure you are ungovernable!  Right up until the moment I smack you upside the head and you start to cry like a little girl.

 Picture above is from a peace/anarchy rally at the 2008 RNC. 


Absent anarchists, we can still have some fun at the Vancouver Olympics.  Anarchists wear black hoods because deep down inside, they are pansies.  Real men wear bunny ears. 

Game on, Vancouver!   


Game on


The Mind of Mully


I have the tendency

Of getting very physical

So watch your step because if I do

You’ll need a miracle




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George Wallace Segregated Easter Candy, STP, & Foreshadowing for Street of Dreams


Best Experienced With:          Stone Temple Pilots;     Plush

(please right click on the link to open the suggested and strongly recommended background music for this evening’s thing.  Really.  Even if you never click on the music.  Tonight is the right night to right click on the link.    Is that a new shirt?  Really?  Looks good on you.  Makes your eyes pop.)


Standard Tuning


   G5       G(B)   Am7(C6)  G          








   G            D/F#








   F              C          Emaj7















 Dsus2     Cadd2  G6/B








(Chorus)Guitar 1

   G5                      F5







   C/E                E5        D5







(Chorus) Guitar 2




























The Mind of Mully


And I feel

So much depends on the weather

So is it

Raining in your bedroom?



“I’ll have three Cadbury Eggs, some Joe Paisley, three batches of kale, a Stella draft, whatever we can get from Marshall Moonshine, and two scholarships for the kids that we love at Street of Dreams.  Thanks!”






Thanks, Saint Louis!   Mully Opes Aid (Joeapalooza) 2010.  Bigger, badder, longer, stronger….and this time with an actual sound system and a venue with acceptable acoustics.  Next stop:  closing ceremonies of the Vancouver Olympics where we will shamelessly promote Joe P.  Because Joe P. rocks off faces.  All hail Joe P. and bow down before the bunny ears.    Unless, of course, you have a Holy Hand Grenade.  Few do.   Good night.

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Table For Eight Under “Mully”. Of Course We Have a Reservation. M-U-L-L-Y (rolls eyes)



Best Experienced With:   Social Distortion;        Don’t Take Me For Granted

(please right click on the link below to cue up the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise)


Rambling Intro

Like most of us, at twenty I could do eight minutes of cardio each day, lift for twelve minutes and maintain a fighting weight of a buck ninety while eating at least a dozen pizzas for breakfast.  Some days I would smother several of the pizzas with a thick coating of Crisco and top them off with pork rinds and back fat.  Because I could.  Back then.

These days, I need to average eight hours of cardio (morning and night) to eat two slices a week.  This leaves very little discretionary time each day for robbing gas stations, drinking Foster’s in the shade and general mayhem. 

My friend Jim and I joined one of the first nationally syndicated gyms, a Nautilus gym, in Westlake, Ohio back in 1979.  We were thirteen and our parents took turns driving us to the plaza on Center Ridge Road three times a week.  I owe my lifelong love of staying relatively mesomorphic to Jim.  Jim was one of my best friends and Jim was one in three billion.

This is eight.  Eight it not a prime number, yet eight fits this evening.           This is eight.


The Perfect Dinner Party of 8

You may choose seven people, alive or dead (Christian or heathen) to be your ideal seven dinner partners at a dinner party.  Who would you choose?  Here are mine.

Please imagine a round, eight-top table with Travis Bickel at the twelve o’clock spot and each subsequent person sitting equidistant from the other in chairs like these. 


The centerpiece is royal purple anthurium.  Seating is boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, etc with Natalie Imbruglia sitting to my left.  My chair and Natalie’s chair are somewhat closer together than the other chairs at the table, but not that much closer together because I’d be a bit nervous around Natalie.  The dinner is black tie.  Over to the left is a champagne and chocolate fountain as well as a pastry table chock full of Hostess snack cakes.  On the right is a bar where Checkoslovakian Pilsner flows as freely as liberal insults at a TEA Party convention.

Here’s the crew at Mind of Mully’s dinner party. 

Travis Bickel (at the end of Taxi Driver, not the beginning of Taxi Driver)

Farah Pahlavi


Natalie Imbruglia

Heinrich Harrer

Princess Grace

Menachem Begin

Sylvia Plath


Jen B’s Eight Questions

Jen B. was my cheerleading partner at Miami University and one of Boston Scientific’s first surgical sales representatives in 1988.  In 1989, Jen made $150,000:  this is roughly $2,453,800,000 in 2010 equivalent income.   Jen was disciplined, focused, hard working and one of the best surgical sales representatives any of us has ever met.  She was also one of perhaps eight women surgical sales representatives in the entire universe back in 1989.   Jen dragged me kicking and screaming into the world of hips, knees, cervical implants, Roux-n-Y’s, ad infinitum back in 1989.  My aquarium is all the better for it. 

If you think surgical sales is a testosterone fest today, you should have seen it in the late 1980’s.  Jen was methodical in her question asking and her process for qualifying customers was remarkable.  Most of the questions I teach surgical sales representatives to this day are Jen’s questions.  Jen was one of my best friends and Jen was one in three billion.

These are Jen’s questions:

  1.  Who are all the people that that will make this decision and what are their titles?
  2. What is each person’s role in the decision making process?
  3. Can you please introduce me to them?
  4. What exact date have you, as a group, decided to issue the purchase order?
  5. Should you choose my offering the week before that, what is the exact paper trail that the purchase requisition follows?
  6. How long does it take at each place and have you ever walked one through in a day or two?
  7. Does a board or committee have to give final approval
  8. What is the first step and when would you like to start that step?


Who Was Your Crush on Eight is Enough


Who was your crush on the hit television show Eight is Enough?  The doctor sister, Mary?  Me too.  While the blonde sister, Nancy was indeed fine, pretty is easy.  Genetics simply………. are.  Great choice


Rambling Conclusion

One of the Mind of Mully Singles Awareness Day gift suggestions was Rick Bragg’s All Over but the Shoutin’.  The introduction has a fantastic line:  “…because dreaming backwards can carry a man through some dark rooms where the walls seem lined with razor blades”.  All hail Rick Bragg and his prose.

Facebook is an interesting and entertaining beast.   You can choose to take memories, pickle them to keep the flavor in, and seal them in airtight mason jars.  You can then wrap those mason jars in bubble wrap, carefully pack the mason jars in cardboard boxes and wrap the boxes in kryptonite laden twine…then carefully place them in a Morgan vault.  Doesn’t matter.  Some days, Facebook can snatch those memories out of the neatly stacked boxes and toss you into Mr. Bragg’s dark rooms. 

Jim passed away in 1998 from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, leaving behind a wife and young son.  She is remarried and raising a beautiful family with her husband on the right coast.  Jen passed away in 2008 from a brain aneurism.  She left behind a loving husband and three beautiful children.  Jen passed away  about twenty miles from where Jim passed away.  That’s quite random.  To the best of my knowledge, they never met.

I miss Jim and Jen.  Thanks for pulling out those boxes, Facebook. 




The Mind of Mully

I’m the blood

on your guitar

I’m that wave you caught

back in 1975



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5 Porcupines, 4 Schopenhauers, & 3 Rot Luftballoons…..



Best Experienced With:    X-Ray Specs;     Oh, Bondage Up Yours


(please right click on the link below to cue up the suggested background music for this evening’s get together.  Kind of makes you want to dye your hair pink and pull out that 1977 “Sid Vicious for President” black tee, doesn’t it?)


“In the sphere of thought, absurdity and perversity remain the masters of the world, and their dominion is suspended only for brief periods.”



“The discovery of truth is prevented more effectively, not by the false appearance things present and which mislead into error, not directly by weakness of the reasoning powers, but by preconceived opinion, by prejudice.”






“The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary on it.”





“To find out your real opinion of someone, judge the impression you have when you first see a letter from them.” 





The Mind of Mully

Thrash me

Crash me

Beat me

Until I fall

















Hey!   Hey 432 lbs!   There are two things I choose not to live on…..Ramen noodles and maybes.  Get your passport, get to Portland Friday night and we can help douse the flame in Vancouver on Sunday evening with glasses of beer.  Pilsner beer!  No excuses. 


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Grape Jelly Covered Bully Pulpit, Indoctrinating Kids, & Gimme My Pez Dispenser


Best Experienced With:         Foo Fighters:                   The Pretender


(please right click on the link below to open up the suggested background music for this evening’s option to texting ten dollars to the Red Cross every sixth hour.  I know these peeps down below and can vouch for them)

Here’s what you asked for, Bitar & Jones……..with a bit more color.

Back in September when President Obama relinquished the coveted bully pulpit, we posted a signup sheet on the back bulletin board asking for someone to replace him.  Someone evil and deceitful enough to goad innocent ten year olds into rooting for our country or, God forbid, participate in thinking.  Oh Lord……the humanity!  Work hard and stay in school?  Left wing pinkos always say you should work hard and stay in school.  Rubbish.

The bully pulpit remains empty, covered in grape jelly and dozens of empty blue Foster’s oil cans.  What good is a bully pulpit without a bully and an agenda involving the brainwashing of secondary school children?   If you guys aren’t going to use it, then I’m going to pop up on the bully pulpit this evening and force my left wing pinko agenda for schoolchildren firmly down your throat.

Our friend Anderson Cooper and his silly black tee shirts have returned home, yet there’s still roughly fifty years of clean up on the left portion of Hispaniola.  Gave you surgical sales and marketing folks some options ten days ago and a bunch of you have come through.  Thanks a million and keep it up, please.  We’re going to get it to Pignon and into patients starting March 19th.  If you know anyone with extra debriders, there are some burns that need mending.  

Back to my bully pulpit.   If you have an extra hundred dollars that you don’t feel like texting to the Red Cross, or if you want to stay home and skip a baker’s dozen of martinis this coming week, feel free to print out the form below and send a check for $100 to put a Haitian child in the central plateau through elementary school for a year.  Education, and the education of women specifically, is one of the key levers to eradicating poverty the world over.  School is not free in third world countries…..probably because property taxes are hard to levy when no one actually owns property.  That’s just a guess.

Should you choose to invest your $100 with these folks, they will send you report cards and progress reports.  Should you ever choose to take a holiday with me down to the central plateau, you can meet the children you sponsor and they will give you the biggest hugs you may ever receive in your life.

Should you choose to read more about eradicating poverty, there are several excellent books at the link below which will surely win The Mind of Mully a Nobel Peace Prize in 2010.  The name of the program alone…… “Treat Everyone Like They Are Going to Die Today” ……deserves some sort of prize.  Heck, a Pez dispenser would be fine today after getting jacked around on the Polk last week.   Robbed……………..

Thanks for joining and thanks for whatever it is you choose to do to help Haiti on an ongoing basis.  It took The Man hundreds of year to thoroughly disenfranchise that population.  It’s going to take us a few decades to help fix it. 


And we will, provided we educate the children immediately.


The Mind of Mully


The page is out of print

We are not permanent

We’re temporary….temporary

Same old story

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The Breakfast Club at Tiffany’s, Rat Dogs & Norwegian Buhunds


Best Experienced With:    Deep Blue Something;    Breakfast at Tiffany’s

(please right click the link below to cue up the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window)


Thanks for joining this evening.  Soon we will examine the injustice of Mind of Mully not winning a Polk Award for the fifth consecutive year.  First we will examine the injustice of a Scotty winning “Best in Show”.  Clearly the Norwegian Buhunds were robbed, as were the Bishon Frises.   Am beginning a strong lobbying effort this week with the Westminster Kennel Club to award bonus points if a certain dog breed name is more fun to say aloud than another. 

For example, please say “Scotty” aloud three times.  Fast.  That breed is chock full of cacophony and sounds awful said aloud three times fast.  Now please say “Bishon Frise” aloud three times and say it slowly.  Sort of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?   You want to elongate the syllables and pretend you are in the south of France drinking Champaign with Catherine Deneuve.  Catherine says “do you have a dog” and you reply “why yes, I have a Bishon Frise”.  Far more smooth than “Scotty”.

Although fun to say, the Bishon Frise is, unfortunately more ferret than dog and the true winner of “Best in Show” last week at the Westminster Kennel Show is now the Norwegian Buhund because the Norwegian Buhund is actually dog sized and a great deal of fun to say. 

Winner, winner chicken dinner.

Am unfortunate enough to be in the same Census age bracket as Michael Dell and Brad Pitt.  Fated to roll through life watching Dell get richer and Pitt get prettier, I look forward each year to the obscure awards with the hope that I might get something for the mantel.  Try as I may, those bars will always be my benchmarks for wealth and good looks.  This explains my humility.  Pitt even looks better than me with that odd growth of hair he was sporting on his chin in People last week.   Odds are that Dell and Pitt will never attend the luncheon where Long Island University hands out the obscure George Polk Award for Journalism.  

Last week, Long Island University handed out thirteen 2009 George Polk Awards, none engraved “Mind of Mully”.  One went to a reporter for the Belleville News-Democrat in Illinois?  The Belleville News-Democrat got a Polk?   I can get behind David Rhode getting a Polk because he was abducted and held by the Taliban, but the Belleville News-Democrat?  Have they ever written about velociraptors?  Did they do an expose like we did here on the Balloon Boy in Colorado where on the first day we disproved the science behind the story by using one of the Chez Mulligan cats?  Heck, they don’t even shamelessly promote themselves to Natalie Imbruglia.  Robbed, I say.

I went to Honduras during the non coup.  Is it my fault it was fake coup and no one had the least interest in kidnapping me?   Heck, I even had a visa to Iran until The Prez opened his mouth two days before I was heading over there and ruined my chances of getting kidnapped in Tehran.  Had a good plan, too.  Was going to set up a booth in Haft Tir square with a sign saying “Free Sketches of You and That Crazy Mahmoud”. 


2010 is Mind of Mully’s year for a Polk Award.  We will win a  2010 Polk Award with Mind of Mully’s analysis of the most daunting challenges facing the world today, seen through the eyes of John Hughes’ characters in The Breakfast Club.  

Again:  winner, winner….chicken dinner.

Bender on classism and the inherent conflict between the “have’s” and the “have nots”:  “Don’t you ever talk about my friends. You don’t know any of my friends. You don’t look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn’t condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father’s BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean.”

Alison on being a lemming or bowing down to demands by the World Bank or WTO:  “You do everything everyone tells you to do and that is a problem.”

Andrew on the disenfranchised and dispossessed:  “And the bizarre thing is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He’s always going off about how when he was in school and all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So I’m sitting in the locker room and I’m taping up my knee, and Larry’s undressing a couple lockers down from me. And he’s kinda, he’s kinda skinny. Weak. And I started thinking’ about my father, and his attitude about, about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on.”

Vernor on using a disproportionate show of force to quell a disturbance:  “The next time I have to come in here I’m cracking skulls.”

Bender on the obesity problem in developed nations, as well as the accompanying health problems such as diabetes:  “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ’em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh.”


Andrew on the benefits of therapy and all 6B of us that bought the ticket and are taking the ride:  “We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.”

















The Mind of Mully

I hate when

Things are over

With so much

Left undone


Dear George Polk Award Committee:  We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong.  But we think you’re crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us…in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each of us is an ocelot, a wombat, a stick man, a dinosaur and a robot.   Does that answer your question?

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