Best Experienced With: Deep Blue Something; Breakfast at Tiffany’s
(please right click the link below to cue up the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window)
Thanks for joining this evening. Soon we will examine the injustice of Mind of Mully not winning a Polk Award for the fifth consecutive year. First we will examine the injustice of a Scotty winning “Best in Show”. Clearly the Norwegian Buhunds were robbed, as were the Bishon Frises. Am beginning a strong lobbying effort this week with the Westminster Kennel Club to award bonus points if a certain dog breed name is more fun to say aloud than another.
For example, please say “Scotty” aloud three times. Fast. That breed is chock full of cacophony and sounds awful said aloud three times fast. Now please say “Bishon Frise” aloud three times and say it slowly. Sort of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? You want to elongate the syllables and pretend you are in the south of France drinking Champaign with Catherine Deneuve. Catherine says “do you have a dog” and you reply “why yes, I have a Bishon Frise”. Far more smooth than “Scotty”.
Although fun to say, the Bishon Frise is, unfortunately more ferret than dog and the true winner of “Best in Show” last week at the Westminster Kennel Show is now the Norwegian Buhund because the Norwegian Buhund is actually dog sized and a great deal of fun to say.
Winner, winner chicken dinner.
Am unfortunate enough to be in the same Census age bracket as Michael Dell and Brad Pitt. Fated to roll through life watching Dell get richer and Pitt get prettier, I look forward each year to the obscure awards with the hope that I might get something for the mantel. Try as I may, those bars will always be my benchmarks for wealth and good looks. This explains my humility. Pitt even looks better than me with that odd growth of hair he was sporting on his chin in People last week. Odds are that Dell and Pitt will never attend the luncheon where Long Island University hands out the obscure George Polk Award for Journalism.
Last week, Long Island University handed out thirteen 2009 George Polk Awards, none engraved “Mind of Mully”. One went to a reporter for the Belleville News-Democrat in Illinois? The Belleville News-Democrat got a Polk? I can get behind David Rhode getting a Polk because he was abducted and held by the Taliban, but the Belleville News-Democrat? Have they ever written about velociraptors? Did they do an expose like we did here on the Balloon Boy in Colorado where on the first day we disproved the science behind the story by using one of the Chez Mulligan cats? Heck, they don’t even shamelessly promote themselves to Natalie Imbruglia. Robbed, I say.
I went to Honduras during the non coup. Is it my fault it was fake coup and no one had the least interest in kidnapping me? Heck, I even had a visa to Iran until The Prez opened his mouth two days before I was heading over there and ruined my chances of getting kidnapped in Tehran. Had a good plan, too. Was going to set up a booth in Haft Tir square with a sign saying “Free Sketches of You and That Crazy Mahmoud”.
2010 is Mind of Mully’s year for a Polk Award. We will win a 2010 Polk Award with Mind of Mully’s analysis of the most daunting challenges facing the world today, seen through the eyes of John Hughes’ characters in The Breakfast Club.
Again: winner, winner….chicken dinner.
Bender on classism and the inherent conflict between the “have’s” and the “have nots”: “Don’t you ever talk about my friends. You don’t know any of my friends. You don’t look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn’t condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father’s BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean.”
Alison on being a lemming or bowing down to demands by the World Bank or WTO: “You do everything everyone tells you to do and that is a problem.”
Andrew on the disenfranchised and dispossessed: “And the bizarre thing is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He’s always going off about how when he was in school and all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? So I’m sitting in the locker room and I’m taping up my knee, and Larry’s undressing a couple lockers down from me. And he’s kinda, he’s kinda skinny. Weak. And I started thinking’ about my father, and his attitude about, about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on.”
Vernor on using a disproportionate show of force to quell a disturbance: “The next time I have to come in here I’m cracking skulls.”
Bender on the obesity problem in developed nations, as well as the accompanying health problems such as diabetes: “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ’em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh.”
Andrew on the benefits of therapy and all 6B of us that bought the ticket and are taking the ride: “We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.”
The Mind of Mully
I hate when
Things are over
With so much
Dear George Polk Award Committee: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us…in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each of us is an ocelot, a wombat, a stick man, a dinosaur and a robot. Does that answer your question?