(Best Experienced With: Coldplay; The Scientist
(please right click on the link below to open the suggested music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window. This is not only the most beautiful song written ever for a science fair, it is the only song ever written for a science fair. Welcome to the science fair. Thanks for coming)
Welcome to the first annual Mind of Mully Science Fair. Please take your time visiting all the booths. When you are finished, there are cookies and punch at the back of the room. The punch is in bottles labeled “Pilsner”.
The Scientific Method
Any part of any business can and should be looked at from a scientific point of view. The best method is something we all learned in seventh grade science, a method very cleverly called the “scientific method”. This is an objective method using an experimental design, predictions, some well defined hypotheses, and a good model.
Once the experiments have been run and data compiled, we should always have a thorough peer review because no one thinks their own baby is ugly. And most babies really are ugly for that first six months or so. And you know this. Had I chosen to pr0create when I still had the urge, would have sent that baby intro card to each of you after we got home for the hospital. Printed inside the card would have been the following: “yes, like all babies, this one is pretty odd looking. Still, we remain confident that the head will become human shaped soon and are we certain little (_________) will someday be exceptionally good looking. To us, anyway.”
Back to the Mind of Mully Science Fair exhibit on the scientific method. With some help from my friends Eran, J Hoff and Stevie and their brand new apartment, we will demonstrate the scientific method in a very elemental form and one we can all understand. You, the Mind of Mullyites, will be our objective peer review.
Did you see the movie Almost Famous? What is your favorite line from that flick? Mine is when the lead singer man is standing on the roof of the party and he screams “I am a golden god” while jumping into the pool. Our hypothesis is twofold. First, that we can reproduce that scene with minimal morbidity or mortality. Second, it will be a great deal of fun.
First, we will see our friend Eran jumping off the roof while wearing three colored boas while screaming “I am a golden god!” The goal is for him to make it into the pool. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.
Our prediction was correct and the model is slowly but surely taking shape. Second, we will see J Hoff jumping off the roof wearing a suit jacket and a Dallas Cowboys helmet while screaming “I am a golden god!”. The goal is for him to make it into the pool. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.
Our prediction was correct. Third, we will add more small variables and see if the experiment overall is reproducible. Stevie’s goal is to make it into the pool while screaming “I am a golden god” while wearing a Speedo and a multi-zippered, silver Members Only jacket. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.
Our prediction was correct yet again and we are slowly but surely proving our hypothesis and building our model. For the final piece to our experimental design, Mully will jump into the pool from the roof while screaming “I am a golden god”, wearing a bathrobe and a bright yellow boa and also holding a Foster’s oil can beer in his hand. Our prediction is that he will make it into the pool. Let’s see how he does.
Our final prediction was correct as well. Although we do not have twenty-six more friends for this experiment, we will allow you all to do the peer review. Marketing peeps! Please keep in mind that thirty (30, 29+1, etc) is the minimum data point from which you can even begin extrapolating. Four people saying they need something or will buy something from you means virtually nothing. The larger your sample the size, the better your strategic market analysis.
Unless you are a golden god…..which, clearly Eran, J Hof, Stevie and Mully are. It is in writing and on video so it must be true. The video is at the bottom of this MLOG.
(the cartoon above is for our friends Erin and Joe P. Boo ya)
Newton’s Law of Gravity
As shown in the photo below, Newton’s Law of Gravity can be proven in your own home using any animate or inanimate objects. Far more detailed and less amusing equations and such can be found in Mr. Newton’s 1687 book Principia. Nothing in Principia is as amusing as two cats dropping a Daschund and a Great Dane from the top of a stairwell. Feel free to do some outside reading on all three of Mr. Newton’s laws of motion, although none are as amusing as two cats dropping a Dashund and a Great Dane from the top of a stairwell to see that both drop at the same rate and land at the same time. Only pyrotechnics could add to the photo below and our crack team of liability attorneys have advise us against pyrotechnics. This year, anyway. 2011 has different rules and we will blow things up all day long during that event.
( Editor’s Note: No dogs were actually dropped for this science fair exhibit. This is just a silly picture. Yes, I love dogs as much as cats. If I had a yard, would fill it with dogs. There was no silly picture of two dogs dropping cats from the top of a stairwell. Were there a picture like that, it would be above. If someone makes one, please send it this way. Thanks. )
The Krebs Cycle
The Kubler Ross Cycle
Somewhere between the ages of one and three, when your parents took away your first toy, you began working your way through the stages of grief. Your time spent toyless in the playpen was practice time for the Kubler Ross Cycle. Most of us built upon it for the next “X” number of years and honed our ability to properly deal with each sequential stage.
With the proper amount of practice, the most adept at the Kubler Ross Cycle can roll through it in less than four minutes, as shown graphically and wordily below. The best sales professionals, those with a Teflon exterior, are able to cycle through the Kubler Ross Cycle in less than three minutes and move onto the next open door. Done is done and gone is gone. Only Chris Martin can actually go back to the start.
For Attic visitors not familiar with the Kubler Ross cycle, below is a moronic representation of the full Kubler Ross cycle and the timing through four minutes.
Denial: There is no way that cat knocked over my Foster’s. There is no frigging way that dang cat knocked over a full Foster’s! (14 seconds)
Anger: You moron cats! That was a full beer! See this squirt gun? Yeah, you see this squirt gun. You know what the squirt gun means and you know I’m not afraid to use the squirt gun. You moron cats! That was a full beer! (3 minutes and 11 seconds)
Bargaining: “Dear Random: I know I just soaked the cat with the squirt gun and am wholeheartedly sorry about that. I’ll never do it again if you just please bring back that spilled beer. Pinky promise.” (23 seconds)
Depression: “This alone, I was convinced, had driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush, towards the gleam of fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations; this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds of permitted aspirations.” Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (4 seconds)
Acceptance: Good thing the Foster’s twelve pack was on sale for $11.99 at Longs Drugs. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. (2 seconds)
Thanks for joining us for the first annual Mind of Mully Science Fair. For 2011, we will call it the Mind of Mully Scientific Faire because “fair(e)” is far more stupid than “fair”, much like “haus” and “shoppe”. 2011’s exhibits will all have to do with fire, flammable material or items that can detonate with no notice. Please submit your fair(e) entries to our crack staff of liability attorneys no later than July 13. As always, thanks for joining us in The Attic.
Mind of Mully
Just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Of course no one told you it would be “so hard”. Most people would not show up if it were called “so hard”. And of course it’s not easy. Easy is boring and has almost as much value as free.