Monthly Archives: May 2010

From Hence Ye Beauties Undeceived……Risk Analysis & Tommy Gray Outcomes

Best Experienced With:          The New Radicals                   Hope I Didn’t Just Give Away The Ending

(please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music to this evening’s musings on sunk costs and risk analysis in a new browser window)

 

 

 

 

Many of the fostered cat moms that have made their way through Chez Mully over the years have been abused.   Makes sense because loving pet owners tend not to dump pregnant female cats in cardboard boxes at animal shelters.  You can tell the ones that have been abused because they shy away from food when you put it in their bowl.  Abused fosters will not eat with a human in the room for weeks.   Abusers will use food to get their pet within reach and then they abuse.   This is easily overcome with the proper mix of love and smelly cat food delivered three times a day.

The current foster mom, Shirley hid for two weeks and got comfortable eating around me right around week two.   Allowed me to pet her without growling right about the same time.  Five weeks in, when she got her purr back, we would have long conversations about the permanent adopted home she would get by June 15.  I’d regale Shirley with tales of the loving family that would surely adopt her on June 15.  There would be all the smelly cat food she could handle, buckets full of catnip at the ready, and cats toys littering the floor of every room.  Shirley enjoyed these conversations:  she was very much looking forward to getting adopted in a loving home.

One of the keys to any successful product launch is a thorough risk analysis created before the project begins and iterated upon throughout the project’s life.   A risk analysis examines threats to success, the probability of their occurrence, and the impact each occurrence has on the success of the project.  The best risk analysis methods use both quantitative and qualitative measurements and use statistical inference to compare results based upon different inputs.   One of the most common mistakes in product launches is checking the risk analysis box at the end of the first phase and choosing to not recalibrate as the project goes forward.  This leads to failure.

Another key to any successful product launch is the ability to say the following line aloud with conviction:  “sunk costs don’t matter”. The best planning in the world cannot control for The Random and The Random likes to play with its food.  Emotion, invested time and emotion, and ego veer most folks away from the “sunk costs don’t matter” path, most often with disastrous results.  When all signs point to disaster, stick a fork in it and walk away.   Sunk costs don’t matter and when sunk costs are held as tightly to one’s chest as your first teddy bear when you were three years old, the odds of failure increase.

Back to Shirley.     Three weeks ago Shirley and the kittens made a vet visit for the little morons first shots.   Always entertaining to watch foster kittens get that thermometer in their butt for the first time.   It’s always fun and games until someone shoves a thermometer up your butt.

We had no medical history on Shirley so she got a physical after Ruben, Keith, Danny, Tracy, Laurie, and Chris got their anal probe.  Vet noticed it was hard to hear Shirley’s heart so they shot film and saw her intestines shoved up near her heart.  “Up near the heart” is a very improper place for intestines.    Great place for lungs and such, but a poor location for intestines.   Not only was she abused before getting dumped, preggo, in a cardboard box at the shelter….Shirley had also been hit by a car at some point and has a ruptured diaphragm.   Bore, fed, and raised these little morons with her intestines virtually wrapped around her heart.   Tough cat:   she must be Irish.

The group for whom I foster, Friends of County Animal Shelters (FOCAS) has a shoestring  budget, financed through donations and run as a virtual organization with folks that donate their time to foster, run the adoptions at Pet Smart, etc.   California is a euthanizing state at the shelters and there has been a significant uptick in abandoned animals over the past two years as the economy did its tailspin thing.  Absent foster homes, preggo mom cats dumped at shelters in cardboard boxes are euthanized.   The euthanizing sessions happen each Friday afternoon like clockwork, 52 weeks a year.

Shirley’s surgery to repair the diaphragm has a very low probability of success.  Moreover, even with the discounts the program vets give FOCAS, the opportunity cost of spending that money on Shirley’s surgery would take away the chance for dozens of dogs and cats to find new happy homes.  FOCAS called this afternoon to explain their risk analysis for Shirley.  She leaves Chez Mulligan at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow to go join Martin, Abraham and John.

Clearly, Shirley will be canonized when she hits heaven tomorrow because she is either has super powers or God had His eye on her.   According to the vet, she should not have been able to have the kittens and raise the kittens with such a severe injury.  Thus, each of the six kittens must also have a super power and I look forward to seeing what that super power is over the next three weeks.

Please encourage your friends to spay and neuter your pets.    Always look both ways before you cross the street.   Remember that sunk costs don’t matter and when you run that risk analysis, pay very close attention to what it tells you.   Hope is not a strategy and sometimes what “is” simply “is”.

The Mind of Mully

She wanted to be a nun

Until that fateful day we met

I beat the crucifix

In a game of Russian roulette

For more detailed information on risk analysis, feel free to visit the following web site:

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_07.htm

For proof that sunk costs do not matter, go here:

http://litemind.com/sunk-cost-bias/

Night……….thanks for having super powers, Shirley.   Your kittens will find womderful, interesting homes next month.   Give my best to Gandhi.

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LTA’s, DCF’s & OPP

 

Best Experienced With:      Naughty By Nature;     OPP

(please right click on the link below to open the suggested music to this evening’s treatise in a new browser window.  Ah yes, army with harmony up in The Attic.  “Dave…..drop a load on them”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJgFU3U4X_Y

 

Have been fortunate to sit on both sides of the table in various business adventures, both as the seller and the buyer.   Would strongly suggest to all those new to the business world to wear both sets of shoes as you meander through your own business adventures.   Have lots and lots of tools in your toolbox as you roll through the business world. 

As a lifelong avoider of most things long term, am a firm believer in long term business agreements.  Have heard the arguments from random purchasing folks on my team for years.  “We have to keep that company honest.”   “What if they go out of business?”  “Why would you want to put all the eggs in one basket?”   Blah, blah, blah.  If you choose your strategic partners (seller or buyer) correctly, you never have to worry about any of those questions.   Just like marriage.  If you feel the need to check your spouse’s cell phone while they are asleep, you chose the wrong spouse.  If you feel the need to compare your strategic partner’s price against everyone else every two months, you chose the wrong strategic partner.

Regardless of your table side, it is always easier to row out into the middle the lake, throw both oars into the lake and figure out the business relationship together as a team.      Just like marriage. 

 

LTA’s

 

You and I own a marsupial farm in West Virginia and have been recently approached by the senior management team at Harrods, Ltd in the United Kingdom.  The Harrods there on Brompton Road in London.  It seems that Harrods marketing department has determined that from 2011 through 2016, most of the women in the United Kingdom will forsake their purses and handbags and choose to instead purchase a hopping marsupial to carry all their purse and handbag stuff.     High fashion is sometimes like that.

We meet with Harrods and qualify the opportunity (e.g. price is not in their “top five” decision making factors, they pay their bills on time, they are the type of people we will enjoy doing business with) properly.   They choose to sample a few of our wallabies to rave reviews and we start developing a great relationship with Marketing and R&D.    The investigation period comes to a close after ninety days and we eagerly await Harrods’ decision, swilling moonshine and playing banjos.

 

Fortunately, our marsupial line has some of the highest quality wallabies on earth and we are Harrods’ first choice.  The true decision makers (Marketing and R&D) tell us that we are the marsupial company of choice for Harrods.   Their purchasing department then gets into the mix and tells us “you are too expensive” and “three hundred other marsupial companies quoted and we like them just as well as we like you” and  “did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds”.  Harrods’ Marketing and R&D departments tell the purchasing department that their title is not “making the decision and purchasing” it is restricted to “purchasing” and instruct the purchasing folks to place their first order with our marsupial company.  West Virginia is thrilled and we get a key to the state and front row seats at all Marshall football games.  

Offering a long term agreement at the beginning of our Harrods relationship would be as unseemly as meeting someone attractive near the fruits and vegetables section of the grocery store and immediately proposing marriage.  We must chill and allow the relationship to evolve naturally.  Build trust and relationships on both sides.  All dating lessons are business lessons and all business lessons are dating lessons.   Right around day number 126, we are going to have a serious argument with Harrods.  

Perhaps one of our wallabies acted up at the opera and maimed a theater patron.   Perhaps Harrods was late on an invoice or returned a dozen perfectly good wallabies because they needed to make a quarterly earnings call to “the street” and needed to reduce inventory.   Getting along is easy, especially at the beginning when each half of the relationship is rolling around in the salad days like a dog rolling around in seaweed at the beach.   When we can figure out how to disagree with Harrods, resolve the conflict, and hug it out rapidly, then we can start talking LTA.

After we have delivered a few hundred wallabies, have the process down relatively well, and have learned to argue properly, we choose to offer a long term wallaby supply agreement (LTWSA) to Harrods.    We discuss Harrods’ five year wallaby forecast, their quarterly delivery expectations, and how much incremental revenue each of us can earn if we work together to drive down costs and market price.  We approach it like a true partnership because the more wallabies Harrods sells in the UK, the happier West Virginia is.  Because meth is illegal and cannot be counted as part of West Virginia’s GDP.

We sign a five year LTWSA with Harrods nine months into our relationship and each side wins.   Harrods has a guaranteed supply of wallabies for five years with a predictable cost structure and annual price increases linked to an agreed upon index.  Moreover, we have provided additional discounts when Harrods exceeds their forecast in a given twelve months.  You and I have mandatory minimum quarterly wallaby shipments and a five year contractual revenue stream.  This allows us to streamline our operation and drive our wallaby cost down.  As we drive our costs down and pass on some of the savings to Harrods, they are able to gobble up more market share.  

LTA’s between trusting partners with similar cultures allow each side to grow top line revenue more rapidly in any market space.  Life is easier and your business is more profitable with LTA’s and there is significant value in LTA’s for both the buyer and the seller.

 

 

NPV’s of DCF’s

If you really want to see what a potential LTA is truly worth to you and your company take off those slippers and put on a different pair.    As long as Warren Buffet is still breathing, every company out there is theoretically for sale.  Let’s take a look at what our venture with Harrods would look like to a potential suitor. 

 

We sign the contract and three months later Mr. Buffet’s plane makes an emergency landing in Charleston, WV.  While at dinner with the governor, Mr. Buffet asks if West Virginia has an exportable product other than meth and the governor tells him about our marsupial company.

We need to calculate the value of this five year contract and to be precise we want to discount the cash flows back to today’s dollars.  Since our product can die in shipment and might hop away rapidly during the warranty period, we have a high risk premium of 20%.   We run a model on the numbers and come up with this:

                 
      2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2014
                 
  # Wallabies     234 536 1,983 3,496 12,313
                 
  Wallabie Price     6,238 5,999 4,732 3,981 3,209
  Wallabie Cost     2,900 2,800 2,600 2,500 2,300
                 
  Revenue     1,459,692 3,215,464 9,383,556 13,917,576 39,512,417
  COGS   -450,000 678,600 1,500,800 5,155,800 8,740,000 28,319,900
  Gross Profit     781,092 1,714,664 4,227,756 5,177,576 11,192,517
                 
  Blah, blah, balh   -500,000 300,000 350,000 500,000 700,000 900,000
                 
  EBITDA   -950,000 481,092 1,364,664 3,727,756 4,477,576 10,292,517
                 
                 
  Discount  Rate 20%            
                 
  NPV   $7,376,263          

 

 

 

The multiple on marsupial companies in the open market is two times cash flow.  Mr. Buffet loves the wallaby potential in the UK with Harrods and we are skillful negotiators.   We command a four times multiple and we sell the company immediately for $28,000,000.  Moreover, because our marsupial raising skills are beyond compare we each get a three year contract to stay on board to run the company properly.

That is how you and I roll.   We each buy a pony and donate the balance of the $28M to Street of Dreams in San Diego and Project Haiti in Aitken, MN.

 

OPP

There are four songs in the universe that no one should ever choose for karaoke.  One of these is OPP by Naughty by Nature.  No one should ever choose to sing this song during karaoke.  You will ruin this song and die on stage as people laugh like hyenas if you choose OPP for karaoke.   Do not choose OPP for karaoke.

Seriously.  Only Naughty by Nature can sing this song at karaoke.  You cannot sing OPP by Naughty by Nature.    None of us can.    You especially cannot even come close to the part that goes “It’s not a front….F to the R to the O to the N to the T”    Go ahead and recue up the song there above on You Tube and click on the 58th second.  Now go ahead and please try to rhyme along with just this part: “It’s not a front….F to the R to the O to the N to the T”.   See?    Well beyond all of our talents.   Choose something from the Grease soundtrack instead.  You’d look good singing something from the Grease soundtrack.

You are welcome.  Thanks for joining this evening.  Nice shoes.

 

 

The Mind of Mully

Yeah, you know me

Yeah, you know me

Yeah, you know me

All the homies

 

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Anarchy For Gilligan’s Island, Kafka, & The UK

 

 

Best Experienced With:     Sex Pistols;      Anarchy in The UK

(please right click the link below to open up the suggested music for this evening’s get together in a new browser window)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQkActP-isE&feature=related 

 

 

 

Johnny Lydon ( aka J. Rotten of Sex Pistols fame) and Public Image Limited finished up their reunion tour this week in New York City.  The final episode of Lost is next week.  The anarchists are still running amok in Greece and will become even more silly when Greece declares bankruptcy in the next few weeks.  Coincidence?

There is no such thing as coincidence.  Let’s pull all three of those sentences together, put them in a different context, and wrap them in a big  ball of Franz Kafka quotes, Gilligan’s Island characters and Sex Pistols music.   Plus, let’s start and end our time together with two of my favorite calculus comics.     That’s a good Saturday evening right there.   A big old murdering smoke monster would have made Gilligan’s Island far more palatable back in the day.    Shall we begin?

 

“All knowledge, the totality of all questions and all answers is contained in the dog”

 

“”Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible,” she said, “but that alone doesn’t make it true”

 

“By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.” 

 

“I can prove at any time that my education tried to make another person out of me than the one I became. It is for the harm, therefore, that my educators could have done me in accordance with their intentions that I reproach them; I demand from their hands the person I now am, and since they cannot give him to me, I make of my reproach and laughter a drumbeat sounding in the world beyond.”

“In argument similes are like songs in love; they describe much, but prove nothing.”

 

 

“Altogether, I think we ought to read only books that bite and sting us. If the book does not shake us awake like a blow to the skull, why bother reading it in the first place? So that it can make us happy, as you put it? Good God, we’d be just as happy if we had no books at all; books that make us happy we could, in a pinch, also write ourselves. What we need are books that hit us like a most painful misfortune, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, that make us feel as though we had been banished to the woods, far from any human presence, like a suicide. A book must be the ax for the frozen sea within us. That is what I believe.”

 

 

The Mind of Mully

Many ways to get what you want

I use the best

I use the rest

I use the enemy

 

 

 

I use bunny ears.

 

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“Cracker”…….”Whitebread”…..”Honkey” (the password is the “disenfranchised white male”)

Best Experienced With:     Cracker;         Useless Stuff

(Editor’s note:  65.7% of the current posts on Mind of Mully Biz Haus Shoppe remain business based, fulfilling the “Biz” requirement in the upper panel there.  This MLOG is sociopolitical and does not fulfill the “Biz” requirement; however, I wear the superhero cape and will continue to make the swooshing sounds.  Those of you visiting for business reasons, stop back soon.  We will have something on constrained dynamics, BPR, and unusual fruits and vegetables)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFDwcHiRJoY

 

 

These days, it infinitely entertaining to be a white, male, upper middle class person in these United States.  After all these years, white, male, upper middle class persons are finally the underdog.  As a white, male upper middle class person and a fan of the disenfranchised and dispossessed for years, I can finally root for myself guilt free.  Clearly (according to the Tea Party, Glenn Beck, and many others), we white men are being held down by The Man!

Last time I felt like this was 1989 covering a sales territory in Boston that included Roxbury, Jamaica Plain, and Mattapan.  The Harlem of Boston.  Had two choices when calling on those clinics in Roxbury, Mattapan, and Jamaica Plain.  First choice was leave Dover, NH at 5:00 a.m., arrive in that portion of Boston by 6:30 a.m. (before the crack houses got rolling), sprint through sales calls, and be back over in Salem by 8:07 a.m.   Second choice involved modified semiautomatic weapons and galvanizing the black on black saltpeteresque Bonneville sedan.  Ever conscious of my expense account, choice one ruled the day.

Back in 1989, I was the only white male being kept down by The System and The Man.  Since January, 2009 there are hundreds millions of us dispossessed and disenfranchised white, upper middle class male persons.  Am fortunate to have my brethren lined up side by side, yelling from the tops of our collective lungs that we are mad as hell.  We white, upper middle class males are not going to take it any longer.  Heck no.  

My first political experience was in 1978 when my father, Glove Man, ran for the Westlake, OH city council as an Independent.  For the most part, Glove Man leans pretty far to the right and mom leans well to the left.  Mom and dad vote for the person and how that candidate’s moral and ethical compass lines up with theirs.    Great place to incubate and learn to respectfully disagree.    Glove Man allowed me to pound “Mulligan for City Council” signs in people’s front yards, an interesting form of torture given the October Land of Cleve temperatures and the vast quantities of clay under the grass.

In high school we had a mock Congress.  To this day, am certain that the idea of that exercise was to dissuade all Westlake High students from checking the box reading “Do Congresslike Things” on our career adventure list.  To this day, I fall fast asleep whenever someone says “Robert’s Rules of Order” .   While words like “fillbuster” and “gerrymander” are fun to say, they are quite boring in actual practice.    I was Alan Cranston, Senate Minority Whip and Crypt Keeper look alike.   I wanted to be Teddy Kennedy because, even back then, that seemed a better fit.

Kenneth Blackwell has a new book out with a fascinating title.  It is an exceptionally long title.  It is also an exceptionally incendiary title.  It is the type of title that will make you stop at an airport book store and gawk, even if you are late for your plane.  The book title is The Blueprint: Obama’s Plan to Subvert the Constitution and Build an Imperial Presidency and the Keys to Getting It All Overturned.  That’s one heck of a title for a book!

 

Kenneth Blackwell is not a white, upper middle class male:  he is a black, upper middle class male and was once Cincinnati’s mayor.   Not certain if he is qualified to be lined up with the rest of us being held down and disenfranchised by The Man these days.   Perhaps we will let him join because he was mayor of the whitest, most conservative city in America.  Perhaps we will let him join because he was part and parcel of the group that prevented that evil photographer Robert Mapplethorpe from showing his nasty photos at the Cincinnati Contemporary Art Center back in 1990. 

An exhibit that those heathens in New York, California, Oklahoma, Kentucky, ad infinitum misguidedly allowed to enter their states.   Not sure how Mr. Blackwell fits into our repressed white, upper middle class male cause, I only know that he is driving our bus and The Blueprint: Obama’s Plan to Subvert the Constitution and Build an Imperial Presidency and the Keys to Getting It All Overturned is soon to be our instruction manual and biblical text.  We are going to borrow a bus for Mr. Blackwell to drive all of us repressed white, upper middle class males to our rallies and such.   A colorful bus in which we can all c’mon and get happy.  

 

Flipped through The Blueprint: Obama’s Plan to Subvert the Constitution and Build an Imperial Presidency and the Keys to Getting It All Overturned the other day and agree wholeheartedly with most of the economic principles.  Am going to read it over the weekend because it has one heck of a title.   Each time the government has meddled too deeply in the United States economy, the results are generally awful.   We saw this after the 1929 depression:  the second dip was because the government interfered too much and accepted incorrect Keynesian principles.  The same principles applied in 2009.   The wrong principles and exceptionally wrong for we repressed white, upper middle class males.   Drive our bus more rapidly, Mr. Blackwell!   Pedal to the metal.

 

Am very much looking forward to remainder of President Obama’s current term.  There’s nothing more satisfying than playing the martyr and I look fantastic standing atop the grape jelly covered bully pulpit with a crown of concertina wire on my head and a bloodied, leather self flagellation device in my left hand.   Moreover, am looking forward to the hundreds of thousands in reparations each of us white, male upper class men will be able to sue The Man for in 2014.           I’m going to buy a pony. 

 

What are you going to buy?

 

 

The Mind of Mully

Everybody wants to be our friend

So we act real Zen

And hang around

With movie stars

 

 

   

 

 

 

 (Editor’s note and correction:  The statement in the second to last paragraph regarding martyrdom is incorrect.  Hostess Ho Ho’s are more satisfying than martyrdom.  In fact, were these tasty snack cakes freely available throughout the world, terrorist attacks would go down by at least 1,286%)

 

 

 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today……..Matt M, this one’s for you.”

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On Love: Tweedy, Munch, Gibran, & Sheep

 

 Best Experienced With:      Wilco;      Via Chicago

(please right click on the link below to open the suggested musical background selection for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEFN_14aElU

 

 

On Love (I):  Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

On Love (II):  Eddie Munch

 

 

 

 

On Love (III):  Jeff Tweedy and Wilco

 

I dreamed about killing you again last night
And it felt alright to me
Dying on the banks of Embarcadero skies
I sat and watched you bleed
Buried you alive in a fireworks display
Raining down on me
You cold, hot blood ran away from me
To the sea

Printed my name on the back of a leaf
And I watched it float away
The hope I had in a notebook full of white, dry pages
Was all I tried to save
But the wind blew me back via Chicago
In the middle of the night
And all without fight
At the crush of veils and starlight

I know I’ll make it back
One of these days and turn on your TV
To watch a man with a face like mine
Being chased down a busy street
When he gets caught, I won’t get up
And I wont go to sleep
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Via Chicago

Where the cups are cracked and hooked
Above the sink
They make me think
Crumbling ladder tears don’t fall
They shine down your shoulders
And crawling is screw faster lash
I blow it with kisses
I rest my head on a pillowy star
And a cracked door moon
That says I haven’t gone too far

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Via Chicago

Searching for a home
Searching for a home
Searching for a home
Via Chicago

I’m coming home

 

 

 

˙ɐʎ ooq   ˙sɹǝɥʇoɯ puɐ sǝʌıʍ ƃuıʌoן ǝq ǝǝɹɥʇ noʎ ƃuıɥɔʇɐʍ ǝʌoן  ˙sɹǝʇsıs ǝǝɹɥʇ ʎɯ oʇ pǝʇɐɔıpǝp sı ǝuo sıɥʇ   ˙ǝʌoן ‘ɥɐ

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Mind of Mully International Bank of Change: Our Africa Vig is One Point Lower

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Experienced With:      The Cult;    She Sells Sanctuary

(please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window.   This one is for BMac who was missing Mr. Duffy’s face melting solo.)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I8mWG6HlmU 

 

 

 

Over the past ten days, the Mind of Mully Yahoo email account,  set aside for Natalie Imbruglia to accept my standing sushi dinner offer, has been besieged with offers of free African money.  So much money that I am relatively certain the title to the Emerald Isle will soon be mine.    When that happens, you may all join me at any pub in Ireland:   black and tans and Jameson’s on me.  Should this go according to Hoyle, I plan on sitting in the corner of the pub like Mickey Rourke’s character in the heart warming movie Barfly, blissfully slurring “drinks for all my friends  from dawn til dusk.

Through a secret ballot audited by Arthur Anderson an hour ago, we have chosen the two best offers and now present them to those of you who joined us this evening.      Unedited.      Enjoy and please do not miss the big announcement at the bottom.    Deadline to invest in the bank is  Friday at midnight.

Letter One:  Second Place (the first loser)

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am The Manager of Bill and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of African Development Bank (ADB). I am writing following the impressive information about you through one of my friends who runs a consultancy firm in my country. He assured me of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity.

 

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 30M US dollars ( Thirty Million US Dollars Only ) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in December 2006 in a plane crash.Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

 

It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we dont want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

 

 The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after seven years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.We agree that 40 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 50 % would be for me and my colleagues.
 
 There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated.  Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application.
 
I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

 

 You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.

 

Yours faithfully,

 

DR. AHMED IBRAHIM.
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER.
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK ADB.

 

 

Letter Two:  Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

 

Dearest Mully,

I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart.  With due respect trust and humanity, i appeal to you to exercise a little patience and read through my letter i feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business having gone through your remarkable profile, honestly i am writing this email to you with pains, tears and sorrow from my heart, i will really like to have a good relationship with you and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you, i decided to contact you due to the urgency of my situation,My name is Miss. Hope Kipkalya Kones, 25yrs old female and I held from Kenya in West Africa. My father was the former Kenyan road Minister.

He and Assistant Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong’a, in western Kenya. The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June,2008. You can read more about the crash through the below site (editors note:  removed link).   After the burial of my father, my stepmother and uncle conspired and sold my father’s property to an italian Expertrate which the shared the money among themselves and live nothing for me.

One faithful morning, I opened my father’s briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money for a better life so that I can take care of myself and start a new life, on my arrival, the Bank Director whom I met in person told me that my father’s instuction to the bank is that the money would only be release to me when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas. I am in search of an honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my trustee so that I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to his bank account overseas.

I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well I will say that my mind convinc ed me that you may be the true person to help me. Moreso, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my stepmother have threaten to assinate me.

The amount is( $9.8 USD )Million United State Dollars, and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso on my arrival, You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 40% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self for now untill the bank will transfer the fund.

I beg you not to disclose it till i come over because I am affraid of my weaked stepmother who has threatened to kill me and have the money alone ,I thank God Today that am out from my country (KENYA) but now In (Burkina Faso) where my father deposited these money with my name as the next of Kin.I have the documents for the claims.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Hope Kipkalya Kones.

 

Letter One:    $30,000,000 * 40% = $12,000,000

Letter Two:   $ 9,800,000 * 40% = $3,920,000

Hope won because she tugged the judges heartstrings and told a better story.   An illustrated, lively tale that had us all imagining her despair as she buried her father, yet allowing us to picture her smile when she found those documents in the briefcase, quickly realizing she could help me purchase Ireland back from those British heathens.  Sales and marketing professionals take note.  People narrow down the choices with their brain, but they always, always, always make the final decision with their heart.  This is one of the reasons that price does not matter.  Congratulations, Hope.  Perhaps you can take me to the next Cult show at the Royal Albert Hall?

Still, you all may have the same unanswered questions that I do.   These questions.

What happened to the other $21,100,000?   Why didn’t I get a letter from the person with the additional $21,100,000?   Did Mr. Ibrahim crash Hope’s father’s plane on purpose?   Why can’t I tell anyone about this?   If I do tell people about this (as I am doing right now), are my cats safe?  If the plane crashed in that really remote area of Kenya, how did Hope get her father’s body back to bury it?  Perhaps Hope has a helicopter or one of those cool hover boats they use in the Everglades? 

Why are so many stepmothers evil?  Is it a prerequisite to being a stepmother and is there a formal “evil stepmother” credentialing program?    What the heck is a Burkinabe and why can’t we easily find Burkinam on any globe or map?  Are they calling Istanbul “Burkinam” these days and, if so, why didn’t I get the memo?  Is there a market need for better Cessna mechanics in Africa or just a better supply of brand name Cessna spare parts?    Does anyone in Africa enable spell check on their email programs? 

Clearly there is an opportunity to become a haven for the millions and millions of dollars that are leaving Africa, never to be repatriated again.   This evening I am proud to announce to announce the opening of the (trademark pending) Mind of Mully International Bank of Change.   A haven for Africans with millions to in their pockets and nowhere to turn.   A non repatriating sanctuary for your African USD’s where we will charge a point less than the obvious going rate on the world market.  At the Mind of Mully International Bank of Change, we will only charge 39% and we will fix the ceiling on “expenses incurred” at 9%.  You Kenyans have been through enough pain.  Spend the 2% you save on something special for yourself or get that pony you wanted as a child.  

The Mind of Mully

I’m sure in her

You’ll find sanctuary

And the world

The world turns around…..

 

 

 

Bonus Music Track

 

Please visit the link below to hear She Sells Sanctuary played by The Vitamin String Quartet.  Well worth the listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4AdEznJWtI&feature=related

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A Fake Post Mortem, Post Mayan 2012 Averted Disaster Letter To Mythical Hypothetical Offspring

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Experienced With:       Violent Femmes;               Crazy

 

(please right click the link below to open the suggested music to this evening’s fake letter to a mythical hypothetical child in a new browser window.  Yes, that is The Femmes covering Gnarls Barkley like Gnarls Barkley covered The Femmes.  You are welcome!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fD-SMLTfuVw

 

Dear Mythical, Hypothetical Offspring,

          If you are reading this, it means you survived and I was able to stop the 2012 Mayan calendar disaster by filling the role of the character  John Cusak played in the God awful action adventure flick of the same name.   When President Obama called back in 2010 and told me I was the one man that could avert certain death and destruction when the Mayan calendar ended, I remember laughing and telling him that all calendars end………………..then they start again.

          If you are alive and getting this letter from your mythical and hypothetical mother on your sixteenth birthday, I guess President Obama was correct.  Apparently I single handedly stopped all those volcanoes and land slides and tidal waves and such.   You can be proud of your old man as you roll through life.  Moroever, your mythical hypothetical mother has at least a half dozen Nobel prizes so you can be proud of both of  your mythical, hypothetical parents.  Much like I was with my mother and father.     Good for you!

 

          The picture accompanying this letter is my favorite photo of us.  Your mother took the photo below on a bright sunny Parisian day next to the Eiffel Tower.  If you look closely, you can see the fire breathing unicorn that was terrorizing Paris for a month before we got there.  I saved Paris from that fire breathing unicorn and they gave us free wine and all the cheese we could carry home with us.   You and I also learned to say French stuff like “je ne sais quoi”, although I pronounced it far better than you did because I could actually speak.

 

          You are not allowed to do anything permanent until you are 30 because the hockey stick part of the “time/volume”  knowledge chart does not turn upwards until 30.  No tattoos until you are 30.  No babies until you are 30.  No marriages until you are 30.  No accepting The Popeship until you are 30. Pets are OK.  Get yourself a dog if you have a yard and seven cats if you don’t have a yard.  It’s the aggregate weight that counts when you are thinking about acquiring pets.   No permanent things until you are 30, please.

         

          On your 30th birthday, you are allowed to go on dates.  Love and dating are mostly about timing and random luck.   For example, my quest for a sushi dinner with Natalie Imbruglia never really got off the ground and in 2011 my attention turned to Taylor Dayne.   Had Natalie and I randomly met somewhere, am certain that we would have had a great time hanging out, yet The Random did not feel like introducing us.   Love is a lot of fun; just make sure you treat the highs and lows the same way.   Love is very cool and I hope you find a ton of it. 

         

          And what of candy, my child?  During childhood and young adulthood, the question of candy will invariably arise.  Making candy choices is never easy, given the sheer volume of choices and the truth that the worst candy choice will always taste better than the world’s best brussel sprout.   Make your own choices and take the following under advisement.  Razzles:  first they are a candy, then they are a gum.  Little round Razzles are so much fun.  The best Necco wafers are the orange ones.  Pez, while fun, are somewhat dissatisfying.  Pez are the ribs of the candy world:  tons of work for very little reward.   If it’s candy you desire, Pez is the wrong choice.  Pez is more of a game than a candy, especially if you are able to do lots of voices and sounds and stuff like that Police Academy guy.

 

          Religion is a choice and the best way to choose the correct one for you is to read up on all religions and visit the services.  Find the right fit for your own ethical and moral compass.  If you love trees, perhaps Druidism is the right fit.  If you dig human sacrifice, maybe you’d be best suited as a Mesoamerican Aztec.  If you are good with pedophiles being hidden and shuttled to different geographic locations, join my old friends of the Catholic church.  What you choose is not as important as choosing the right fit for you.  Your faith will be the certain je ne sais quoi allowing  you to make the right decisions when life becomes silly or challenging.    See?     Told you we learned stuff on that Paris trip.  Love and your faith are going to be your spotters:  faith and love will catch you when you fall.

          When you choose your college major, choose something that provides a broad foundation.  The most nebulous of majors tend to provide the broadest base.  For example, Philosophy would be ideal.  Philosophy of Middle Eastern Cultures that Had at least Three Shorelines and Grew Olives would be far too specific.  Get a broad base and add to that base as you get older with further one, two, or four year programs.    Get the broad base from 18 to 22 and never stop building on that base.  Reinvent yourself every ten years through higher education.   Community colleges are ridiculously inexpensive and few avail themselves of the wealth of knowledge that can be purchased there for $100 a credit hour.  

          On that note, please commit yourself to a path of lifetime learning, even if it does not add to your paycheck.   Learn something new each year, even if you are utterly awful at that thing.  It’s the journey, not the destination, that counts.  Read and write every day to keep your noggin evolving.   One evening you may be watching one of the finest comedies ever, The Jerk, and you may need some help on a movie reference that has lost its context with time.  Allow me to be of some assistance:

 

          If your mother has not yet apologized to you for your physical appearance, allow me to apologize now.   On my best days, I am a solid 6.8 and, always dating above my bar, your mother is a solid 9.723.  How you turned out like that is truly a mystery and not worth worrying about.  In the medical world, that’s known as Willis/Moore Syndrome and the textbooks have photos of the Willis/Moore children.  Good looks are genetic and far less important than who you are, how you treat others, and what you add to the world. 

          Take care of yourself.  Do not overeat or under eat.  Take the entire course of an antibiotic, even when you start feeling better.  If you sneeze and your snot is green, you have a virus.   Antibiotics cannot kill viruses and antivirals only exist for The HIV.  Go to bed and get better when your snot is green.    Laugh as much as you possibly can each and every day.      Make sure you floss every night and get yourself one of those electric toothbrushes that times the proper brushing time.   For the love of God, do not bleach your teeth super white after 35 or you will look as silly as Matt Dillon’s character in Something About Mary.     Allow yourself to look your age as you get older.

          In that same vein, a quick exercise for you, little mythical hypothetical offspring.  Count to thirty as fast as you can.   Now, say the alphabet as fast as you can.  Now, count to thirty as fast as you can, but say the alphabet after each number (e.g. 1, A, 2, B, etc). Now, do the alphabet and the numbers while juggling three random items that may be right there on your desk.   That’s what texting while driving is like.  Don’t text while you drive or you will get in a car crash and possibly get decapitated.    Texting while driving is stupid and irresponsible:  you are neither of these descriptive adjectives.  

          A few final thoughts.   Never turn left across four lanes of traffic.  Make each day count and feel free to stay in bed all day on days when that’s how you feel like making that day count.   When you do get out of bed, make sure you are the candle that lights the darkness, not the voice that curses it.   Karl Marx’s best quote is “history repeats itself twice…first as tragedy, then as farce”.     It takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and never, ever, ever, ever start a land war in Southeast Asia.

Love,

 

 

Your Mythical, Hypothetical (Hero) Father…Mully

 

 

 

 

 

The Mind of Mully

My heroes had the heart

To lose their life out on a limb

All I can remember is thinking

I want to be like them

 

 

 Colin Hay version of “Crazy” at the link below.    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4tcRlHY-3Q

 

 

 

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