Best Experienced With: The Cult; She Sells Sanctuary
(please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window. This one is for BMac who was missing Mr. Duffy’s face melting solo.)
Over the past ten days, the Mind of Mully Yahoo email account, set aside for Natalie Imbruglia to accept my standing sushi dinner offer, has been besieged with offers of free African money. So much money that I am relatively certain the title to the Emerald Isle will soon be mine. When that happens, you may all join me at any pub in Ireland: black and tans and Jameson’s on me. Should this go according to Hoyle, I plan on sitting in the corner of the pub like Mickey Rourke’s character in the heart warming movie Barfly, blissfully slurring “drinks for all my friends” from dawn til dusk.
Through a secret ballot audited by Arthur Anderson an hour ago, we have chosen the two best offers and now present them to those of you who joined us this evening. Unedited. Enjoy and please do not miss the big announcement at the bottom. Deadline to invest in the bank is Friday at midnight.
Letter One: Second Place (the first loser)
I am The Manager of Bill and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of African Development Bank (ADB). I am writing following the impressive information about you through one of my friends who runs a consultancy firm in my country. He assured me of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity.
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 30M US dollars ( Thirty Million US Dollars Only ) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in December 2006 in a plane crash.Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.
It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we dont want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after seven years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.We agree that 40 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 50 % would be for me and my colleagues.
There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application.
I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.
DR. AHMED IBRAHIM.
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER.
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK ADB.
Letter Two: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart. With due respect trust and humanity, i appeal to you to exercise a little patience and read through my letter i feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business having gone through your remarkable profile, honestly i am writing this email to you with pains, tears and sorrow from my heart, i will really like to have a good relationship with you and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you, i decided to contact you due to the urgency of my situation,My name is Miss. Hope Kipkalya Kones, 25yrs old female and I held from Kenya in West Africa. My father was the former Kenyan road Minister.
He and Assistant Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong’a, in western Kenya. The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June,2008. You can read more about the crash through the below site (editors note: removed link). After the burial of my father, my stepmother and uncle conspired and sold my father’s property to an italian Expertrate which the shared the money among themselves and live nothing for me.
One faithful morning, I opened my father’s briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money for a better life so that I can take care of myself and start a new life, on my arrival, the Bank Director whom I met in person told me that my father’s instuction to the bank is that the money would only be release to me when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas. I am in search of an honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my trustee so that I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to his bank account overseas.
I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well I will say that my mind convinc ed me that you may be the true person to help me. Moreso, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my stepmother have threaten to assinate me.
The amount is( $9.8 USD )Million United State Dollars, and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso on my arrival, You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 40% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self for now untill the bank will transfer the fund.
I beg you not to disclose it till i come over because I am affraid of my weaked stepmother who has threatened to kill me and have the money alone ,I thank God Today that am out from my country (KENYA) but now In (Burkina Faso) where my father deposited these money with my name as the next of Kin.I have the documents for the claims.
Hope Kipkalya Kones.
Letter One: $30,000,000 * 40% = $12,000,000
Letter Two: $ 9,800,000 * 40% = $3,920,000
Hope won because she tugged the judges heartstrings and told a better story. An illustrated, lively tale that had us all imagining her despair as she buried her father, yet allowing us to picture her smile when she found those documents in the briefcase, quickly realizing she could help me purchase Ireland back from those British heathens. Sales and marketing professionals take note. People narrow down the choices with their brain, but they always, always, always make the final decision with their heart. This is one of the reasons that price does not matter. Congratulations, Hope. Perhaps you can take me to the next Cult show at the Royal Albert Hall?
Still, you all may have the same unanswered questions that I do. These questions.
What happened to the other $21,100,000? Why didn’t I get a letter from the person with the additional $21,100,000? Did Mr. Ibrahim crash Hope’s father’s plane on purpose? Why can’t I tell anyone about this? If I do tell people about this (as I am doing right now), are my cats safe? If the plane crashed in that really remote area of Kenya, how did Hope get her father’s body back to bury it? Perhaps Hope has a helicopter or one of those cool hover boats they use in the Everglades?
Why are so many stepmothers evil? Is it a prerequisite to being a stepmother and is there a formal “evil stepmother” credentialing program? What the heck is a Burkinabe and why can’t we easily find Burkinam on any globe or map? Are they calling Istanbul “Burkinam” these days and, if so, why didn’t I get the memo? Is there a market need for better Cessna mechanics in Africa or just a better supply of brand name Cessna spare parts? Does anyone in Africa enable spell check on their email programs?
Clearly there is an opportunity to become a haven for the millions and millions of dollars that are leaving Africa, never to be repatriated again. This evening I am proud to announce to announce the opening of the (trademark pending) Mind of Mully International Bank of Change. A haven for Africans with millions to in their pockets and nowhere to turn. A non repatriating sanctuary for your African USD’s where we will charge a point less than the obvious going rate on the world market. At the Mind of Mully International Bank of Change, we will only charge 39% and we will fix the ceiling on “expenses incurred” at 9%. You Kenyans have been through enough pain. Spend the 2% you save on something special for yourself or get that pony you wanted as a child.
The Mind of Mully
I’m sure in her
You’ll find sanctuary
And the world
The world turns around…..
Bonus Music Track
Please visit the link below to hear She Sells Sanctuary played by The Vitamin String Quartet. Well worth the listen