Monthly Archives: November 2010

“Pussy, Pussy, Pussy Cat………(shut up)” A Quiz for Politician Wannabees

 

 

Best Experienced With:     Faster Pussycat;      Babylon

(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window.    Nothing kicks off a party better than that first line….”living in L.A. is so much fun.”    Hell of a song.   Has always been a favorite.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x06zihq-66s

 

The song you cued up when you started reading by right clicking on the link above has been running through my head each time I see one of the new 2011 Congresspeeps interviewed by a talking head on a network.   Man, but we sure elected some morons three weeks ago.    When I am Emperor of the United States, there will be a test that each candidate must pass before they can enter a primary race.  Each of us must take a driver’s license test before we can borrow mom and dad’s car to drive around drunk at sixteen.  The potential damage is more severe if we allow morons to get into a primary race, as we shall soon witness in Washington DC this spring.

Below is the test.  See how you do.   I scored a 4.

When I am Emperor of the United States, a passing grade for those desiring a spot on any ballot is 33/35, to keep it somewhat biblical for the far right wingers.  Moreover, “33” is on the back of all Rolling Rock bottles and “Thirty-Three” is a damn fine Smashing Pumpkins song.       On your marks, get set….

Go.

  1.  Please explain the Interstate Commerce Clause of the United States Constitution.

 

  1. Please name a President who invoked the ICC within the last thirty years and explain why he chose to invoke it.

 

  1. Please list the primary colors

 

  1. Please explain how primary elections work

 

  1. The Cat in the Hat had two helpers.  Please name them.

 

  1. Iraq has two primary Muslim sects.  Please name them.

 

  1. How many Highlanders can there be?

 

  1. Please put the following Russian rulers in the proper chronological order with “1” being the first leader and “6” being the last leader in chronological order.  Of course, then “2”, “3”, “4”, and “5” will have to be in there as well, although you probably already figured that out.  If you did not already figure that out, please place your pencil down and leave.   You are forbidden to be on any ballot.   Thanks for playing. 
    1. Nicholas II  _____
    2. Lenin _____
    3. Stalin ____
    4. Khrushchev  _____
    5. Brezhnev _____
    6. Yeltsin   _____

 

  1. Who is the current leader of Russia?

 

10. How did that person get the gig running Russia?

11. Whose puppet are they?

12. Is the statement ‘this statement is false’ true or false?

13. Please name three Andrew McCarthy movies without mannequins in them.

14. Please explain the difference between pornography and obscenity

15. Please explain which (obscenity or pornography) is covered by the First Amendment

16. A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across the river.   He has one rowboat and this rowboat can only carry him and one thing across the river at one time.  If the fox and the chicken are left on one side together, the fox will eat the chicken.  If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn.  How does the man do it?   Please show your work using arrows.

17.   Of those who settled this country back in “the day”, fought the British, established the current government, and wrote the Constitution, what proportion were actually born here?

18.  True or False.   The form of government structure in the United States is a democracy.

19. True or False.  The form of government structure in the United States is a Republic

20. True or False.  Razzles are a candy.

21. True or False.  Razzles are a gum.

22. True or false.   Razzles are first a candy, and then they’re a gum.

23. True or false.   Little round Razzles are so much fun.

24. You take a trip to Venezuela because you have to keep them as a friend because they have a whoooooooole lot of oil.   You land at the airport coming from Washington DC.   Please explain precisely how you will adjust your watch.

25. You are standing, blindfolded, on a continent.   Here are your continent clues.  Many of the soldiers on this continent are child soldiers.  Some believe that mankind sprung from the “fertile crescent” on this continent.   Up until fifty or so years ago, France the Netherlands, Portugal, and the UK ran some of the countries here as feudal estates.   Whew, man it’s hot here!   On what continent are you standing?   (no peeking, please)

26. When interest rates rise, the price of T-bills generally does what?

27. What is a T-bill?

28. As a country’s debt rises, it’s currency value versus the other currencies in the world, generally does what?

29. The town drunk in the TV show Mayberry RFD was named what?

30.   In terms of rules and such that we citizens of the United States must follow, what trumps the Constitution and things Constitution-like?   What would overrule them?

31. What is the IMF?

32. What is the WTO?

33.  What is OPP?

34.  Marginal revenue will always be less than price as a monopolist tries to increase the number of units sold because

  1. Total revenue will decline as additional units are sold
  2. Production costs will fall as output rises
  3. The greater the sales, the smaller the profit
  4. In order to sell additional units, the firm must reduce the price of all the units it sells.

 

35.   A tax of $100 per computer levied on all computers sold will have the effect of:

  1. Lowering the supply curve of computers, but by less than $100
  2. Leaving the supply curve of computers unchanged.
  3. Raising the supply curve of computers by exactly $100 per computer
  4. You cannot tell how supply will be affected without more information

 

36.   In Leviticus 11:9, we are clearly instructed not to eat shellfish with the following lines:  “These you may eat, of all that are in the waters. Everything in the waters that has fins and scales, whether in the seas or in the rivers, you may eat.”   This is a two parter.   In part one, please list out the portions of the Bible that will lead you to keep marriage a woman & man thing during your term serving this country.    In part two, please list out the executable action items that you will initiate to get clams, oysters, and shrimp off of the menus in United States restaurants.

Extra Credit:   What will you do to get shellfish out of all the grocery stores in the United States.

 

“Partying in Bell Aire with Buffy and Biffy…”

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Jean-Paul Sartre, e.a.Poe, & Aau Revoir Vous Chatons Stupides de Débile

 

 

 

Best Experienced With:          James Blunt;          Same Mistake

(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music to this evening’s celebration of foster animals, Mr. Poe, smart friends, great book lines, and French existentialists)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxYJnRVUJ6s&feature=related

The two best lines, or sequence of lines, in any books ever written in this universe or any other universes are:

“So long and thanks for all the fish!”  (So Long and Thanks for all the Fish:  Douglas Adams)

“Do you like my party hat?  Yes, I do, I do like your party hat.  Good bye.  Good bye, then.”   (Go Dog Go:  Dr. Seuss) 

That is neither here nor there.    Here’s the progression on the little morons who are now onto the next step of the Underground Railroad that is the Friends of County Animal Shelters (FOCAS).

Week One

Why did I name mom Eulalie?  Was a Poe poem name given by a close friend with a Jupiter sized brain.   If you surround yourself with friends with massive brains, you can freely steal their ideas and not give them credit.  Keep that in mind.   You are welcome.

Eulalie:  (Edgar Allen Poe)

 I dwelt alone
In a world of moan,
And my soul was a stagnant tide,
Till the fair and gentle Eulalie became my blushing bride-
Till the yellow-haired young Eulalie became my smiling bride.

Ah, less- less bright
The stars of the night
Than the eyes of the radiant girl!
That the vapor can make
With the moon-tints of purple and pearl,
Can vie with the modest Eulalie’s most unregarded curl-
Can compare with the bright-eyed Eulalie’s most humble and careless
curl.

Now Doubt- now Pain
Come never again,
For her soul gives me sigh for sigh,
And all day long
Shines, bright and strong,
Astarte within the sky,
While ever to her dear Eulalie upturns her matron eye-
While ever to her young Eulalie upturns her violet eye.

 

Week Somewhere in the Middle

Week Last

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day Last

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal.”   (Jean Paul Satre.)   That book line does not suck either; however, it is not as fun to say as “good bye…good bye, then.”

Good bye, then.

 

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Yay For Baby Paisleys & Purple Gorilla Jokes

 

 

Best Experienced With:          Queen;       Don’t Stop Me Now

(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music for this evening’s gathering to celebrate the arrival of Pepper Francis Paisley to this wonderful, mystical world.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSnrZf3a7rE

 

 

My friends Erin and Joe just had their first baby this evening.   Have given many baby gifts over the year, yet none like this.   The ideal gift for the Paisley baby is the most perfect joke in the entire universe.   The joke that, when told properly, has people on the edge of their seats through the two word punch line.    And the accompanying song is the most perfect song for a Paisley baby which, given your mother and father’s genetics, certainly has super powers.   Happy true birth day, Paisley baby…you are going to laugh a great deal with your mom and dad.

And that’s pretty wonderful.

Yay for you…..here is your first birthday present.      Welcome to Idaho.

Once upon a time, there was a man who decided he wanted to get away for a bit. So his filled up his truck with gas and filled his motorcycle with gas and put it on the back of truck. So he gets in the truck  and he drives and he drives  and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives  and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives until he runs out of gas.

Then he takes the motorcycle off the motorcycle off the back of the truck and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides until the motorcycle runs out of gas.

So he gets off and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he can’t walk anymore.

He reaches a hotel and walks in to ask if he can have a room. “Sure,” says the manager, “but I have to tell you one thing.”

So they go into the living room where there’s a table. He takes the candlesticks off the table, the chairs away from the table, the table off the rug, and the rug off the floor. There’s a trapdoor there, which opens to reveal a long flight of steps. So they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb until they’re down the stairs. They’re now in a long tunnel, so they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk  and they walk  and they walk  and they walk  and they walk until they reach a wooden door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. And then they walk  and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk until they reach a metal door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. There are two green hills, so they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk over the two green hills.

They finally reach a clearing with a table. On the table is a cage, and in the cage is a purple gorilla. “Whatever you do,” the manager says, “don’t touch the purple gorilla.”

And so they turn around and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk over the two green hills. Then they reach the metal door. And do everything backwards.

(Note: Keep telling it here to annoy people. I just don’t feel like typing it.  My fingers are tired and it’s late.)

So, the man is lying in his room later and thinks, “You know, I wonder why I’m not allowed to touch the purple gorilla.”

So he goes into the living room. He takes the candlesticks off the table, the chairs away from the table, the table off the rug, and the rug off the floor. And he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs down the stairs and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he reaches the wooden door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. And then he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he reaches the metal door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. Then he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks over the two green hills until he reaches the purple gorilla. He reaches in and pokes it.

The gorilla starts going crazy in the cage. It starts thrashing about before suddenly breaking it open.

So the man turns and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs over the two green hills. He reaches the metal door, and he picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, closes the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor.

He starts walking away, thinking there’s no way the gorilla can get through a metal door, before he hears a ‘BOOM’ behind him. The gorilla broke down the door! So he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he reaches the wooden door. He pick the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, and runs through it, figuring that the gorilla would be able to get through a wooden one. He runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he gets to the stairs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs until he gets back to the living room. He slams the trapdoor shut, puts the rug on the floor, the table on the rug, the chairs up to the table, and the candlesticks on the table.

He walks back to his room, hoping the gorilla wouldn’t be able to get through. He goes in, and finds the purple gorilla in his room.

So he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he reaches his motorcycle, which has magically been refilled with gas. He gets on it and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides until he reaches his truck, which has also been magically refilled with gas. He gets in the truck and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives until he runs out of gas. And he runs and runs and runs, with the gorilla still following…

After a while, he starts to think, “This gorilla is going to chase me until I die. I might as well stop and let him catch me.” So he slows down and comes to a stop, turning to face it. It still runs towards him, but slows down once it notices the man has stopped. Finally, it walks up to the man, taps his shoulder, and says…….

(Note:  Deadpan the following after saying the above two paragraphs breathlessly, Pepper.   Like most of life, it is all in the delivery.)

 “You’re it.”

 

 

 

(Alternate Version:    happens in a bar setting.    Choices are critical in life.   Always have a Plan B)

 

A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.

After he is pretty well hammered, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.

“But whatever you do, don’t you touch my purple gorilla.” he tells the now drunk customer.

He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.

As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, “Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla.”

Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.

At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.
Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, “Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.

With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.

The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.
Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour
he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.

“A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !” growled the purple gorilla as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk’s brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down
the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.

Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.

As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.

Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.

“Tag, you’re it.” it said.

Welcome to the world, Baby Paisley

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It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Best Experienced With:          Jesus & Mary Chain;       Here Comes Alice

(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested music to this evening’s treatise in a new browser window.   Clearly the winner in the 2010 Pirate’s Alley Faux Faulkner contest, this was written in less than four minutes on takeoff from PDX this evening.  Eat your heart out Mr. Faulker.)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FBPZ18eRkc

He sits alone in the corner of the bar, a Camel filterless cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth like a night crawler dangles from the hook of a ten pound test line at the end of a bamboo fishing pole at a Mississippi mud hole in the stinking July heat.  She caught his eye briefly while gliding silently and effortlessly through the raucous, sweaty throng of New Zealand rugby players, apperaing to levitate over their heads like a pregnant monarch butterfly floats over fields of Iowa corn on that perfect June day when school children leap off their respective busses, racing towards their ramshackle farm homes, screaming “no more teachers, no more books, no more of teacher’s dirty looks.”  The graying, fifty-four year old bartender eyed each of them warily as if both had stolen his last dream as an eighteen year old, damning him to a pedestrian eternity behind a black lacquer and poorly shined aluminum railed bar serving Long Island Ice Teas to twenty year olds flashing fake ID’s who would surely vomit in short order, leaving a kaleidoscope of color on the dance floor when the crowd whipped into a frenzy as the DJ spun the Jesus & Mary Chain.  The clock struck twelve and no one heard the bell or took notice as the one-eyed, retired trial attorney stumbled past the entrance wearing a single brown leather flip flop on his right foot and a purple Converse Chuck Taylor on his left mumbling random lines from The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám in French while deliberately tearing the stuffing from the left arm of a stuffed Paddington bear that had long ago lost its “please take care of this bear” tag.    The wandering lawyer smelled of beat down fear, oleander, and three month old couch Fritos, yet no one paid him nor his bedraggled bear heed as they careened recklessly through the wet streets high on youth, random Ray LaMontagne lyrics, and the promises of new and improved tomorrows.

It was a dark and stormy night.

It’s her heart and her heart is black……think of ice cream sliding into a crack.  The heat sticks to summer’s heavy sweat.   Hang around and it’ll get hotter yet.   Some things are so hard to say, even though you say them every day…

 

 

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