(I’m on a cross country flight watching “How To Be Single” while thinking about a conversation today with a female friend about a d-bag she just dumped. Which was similar to convos I have had with plenty of female friends through the years. I grew up with three sisters and keep a 50/50 ratio of “ride or die” friends…female to male. I’ve never tried to make out with a female friend because I would also not try to make out with a man friend. Friends are friends. No one should try to have sex with their friends. This is an open letter to all my single female friends. Print it out and put it on your fridge.)
Dear Female Friends Who Are Kicking Yourselves For Not Finding the Right Guy and/or Who Keep Trading in Morons for Morons:
Hey! How are things? How about them Browns? Can you believe all the horse crap with Johnny Manzeil? What a moron. Speaking of morons, I need you to raise the bar on the guys you have been dating. You are better than that. You deserve better than what Tinder is handing you through its algorithms.
And here’s the gig. If I thought you were an idiot, or a poor dating partner, I would by no means tell you otherwise. You know me. I am as subtle as a chopping block. If you utterly sucked as a dating or lifetime partner, I’d encourage you to take what you can get and take it as fast as humanly possible. I have done that.
You are smart. You are very witty and amusing. You’re an excellent person to bounce random things off of, like “should I buy a hot air balloon or simply rent one for a month” and “can I eat this (insert name of food stuff) if it looks like this?” You are beautiful. You are going to be a superb wife and an amazing mother. You don’t need me to tell you that….you know that. You most certainly don’t need the dude in the V-neck sweater with the new beard to tell you that. His opinion does not count.
I want to wake up many mornings throughout your next relationship and get a text from you that reads “(insert dude’s name here) left me a half gallon of milk in a cooler outside my door with a cute card and seven huge chocolate chip cookies so that I’d come home from work to that last night.” I want THAT dude to be your boyfriend. I want to read those texts and I want you to pay attention to the list below. I want your next boyfriend to go 9 for 9 on the list below. Print this list and put it somewhere safe in your house. Not on the fridge. If you put it on the fridge, some dude will see it, take a photo of it and just do this crap. You want someone to do this crap because they always do this crap. It’s Zen to them. This stuff.
- He opens the doors. All the doors. All the time.
- He acts mostly the same in months 7, 11,13, 27, and 39 as he did in months 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Anyone can be shiny for 180 days. True character reveals itself in long lasting behaviors.
- He brings you some damn flowers. Randomly and consistently
- Same with greeting cards. Especially in months 7, 11,13, 27, and 39. And month 127.
- He sings to you with vigor, regardless of his singing ability.
- He brings cash with him. Everywhere. Men should carry cash at all times. Everywhere. Seriously.
- He respects women. All women. All the time. In word and deed.
- Those texts that you received each morning in the first 79 days are the same type of texts you receive each and every morning from day 81 to 623.
- He understands that love is not an emotion…it is a decision you make each and every day when you wake up. He wakes up, looks at you, smiles and decides to be in love with you that day…more than the day before.
- He’s A-OK with you being more smart, funny, or successful than him. This sort of goes with G; however, it can also be a stand-alone.
- He is kind. Always. To everyone and everything.
That was a list of 11. Not 9. I wanted to see if you were paying attention. 11 is one louder. Always has been. Always will be.
I also want you to be with a man who surprises you on December 19 with a trip to New York City. I want him to throw you both on a plane, get a car service from JFK (La Guardia is just nasty…..and he should know that) and you go to a hotel where you will walk into the room and there will be a cheese plate set up and wine in decanters…breathing. Then, he will blindfold you in a limo and you’ll end up somewhere and he’ll walk you out of the limo and when he takes off the blindfold you will be standing beneath the Rockefeller Christmas tree. Then you’ll get skates and skate around…horribly…and laugh and fall. That’s the dude I want you with.
Dudes with sisters will always be superior to dudes without sisters. Hands down. Use that for ties. If there is a tie and they both have sisters? Choose the dude with more sisters. Unless you hate the sisters, of course. If you hate the sisters, choose the other dude. If you hate the mom? Leave. Immediately. Unless the mom is in prison and has a super long sentence because she robbed a bank with Patty Hearst or did some sort of bombing with the Weathermen.
And, for the most part, avoid these:
- Dudes who wear V-neck sweaters. 87% of dudes who wear V-neck sweaters are d-bags.
- Dudes over the age of 26 who go to clubs.
- Dudes over the age of 17 who use emoticons in texts
- Dudes who did not have a beard last year but have a beard this year. They don’t have a beard because they like beards…they have a beard because it’s trendy. If they had a beard because they LIKED beards, they would have had a beard five years ago. Seriously. Trendy dudes tend to be d-bags. Much like the women who bought tiny purse size dogs when Paris Hilton was the “it” girl. You would not want me dating a woman who bought a tiny purse dog because Paris Hilton had a tiny purse dog back then…I don’t want you dating some dude who has a beard now because beards are trendy. Ask to see a 2013 photo of them. Did they have a beard in that photo? No? Dump him. Then, use The Google to find the Dinty Moore commercial on lumberjacks. That’s a funny video. PS: Same goes for that new stupid haircut where the sides are shaved and the top is long. You know why you never saw that style before four months ago? Because it is a super stupid hair style. No one ever walked into a hair place ever and said “hey…keep it long on the top, but shave it on the sides using a 2.” Unless that guy is a super model, he’s a trendy d-bag. N-O…..”no” on trendy guys.
- Dudes over 35 who accessorize too much. Like Johnny Depp or Dave Navarro. Unless it is actually Dave Navarro and Johnny Depp. You are not allowed to date Johnny Depp….he was not nice to Amber. Not at all.
- Dudes who ever owned an Ed Hardy shirt, an Anarchy shirt, or a shirt with angel wings on it. Ever. Like, if they owned one when they were 19 back in 2007 and you see a photo from back then, I want you to leave that man and never go back. Trust me. D-bag is either part of your DNA or not part of your DNA
- Dudes who expel gas in front of you intentionally…unless you are both locked in a trunk during a kidnapping. He should leave the room.
Age? Age matters. That stuff about “age is just a number” is a bunch of crap. In the row next to me right now there is a sixty something year old man with a thirty-something woman. And…..it’s gross. I am A-OK if you use an older guy or a younger guy for a sexual sorbet….a palate cleanser between things. Your range for relationships is 4 down and 9 up. No more and no less. You may put any other age into the chew toy basket and do with them what you like; however for relationships your floor is 4 years below you and 9 above. You are not allowed to change those numbers. No……we cannot negotiate on the age thing. Age matters. Period.
Finally, please keep in mind that all of us……you, me, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, everyone…….is a different person in the first 180 days. Don’t make any big moves (moving in, moving, marrying) in those first 180 days. Give it some time. I know, I know, I know…..he hung the moon and stars and makes you feel like you never felt before and he’s the perfect man. I get it. If that is the case, then he’ll still be that person on day 187 and you can move in with him on day 188. Lots of people show their true character after the first six months. I want you to be happy for a long time……take your time on the big decisions. If he is pushing for the move in or the marriage fast? Run. Run fast. Text me and I’ll meet you somewhere for a burger and introduce you to someone else there at the bar. As a sexual sorbet thing for the in between time.
That’s it. Again….you are beautiful, you are smart and you are funny. Take your time. Choose the right one because if you choose the wrong one, there is nooooooooo fucking way I am coming over for Thanksgiving.